Bad Dream

I awoke with a start this morning.  Bad dream!

She's in the tub.  I was delivering her placenta.  She was wailing, thrashing, crying out. In pain? shock?  Her placenta came fragmented and chunky with trailing membranes.  I made a mental note to watch for symptoms of retained  pieces.  CB was with me at this birth.  Was I primary or still a student?  I don't know.  

She was continuing to wail and was completely out of her head.  I wondered if she had torn and was feeling pain from that. She grabbed a portion of her broken, floating placenta and began to bite it.  Not in the way of consuming, but in the way of biting a bullet, or a leather strap, still screaming and crying through her clenched teeth.  I could tell she didn't know what she was doing, but she was gnoshing on her bloody placenta nonetheless.  CB was frantically trying to get it out her mouth, rinse the blood from her chin, her chest.  It was quite gruesome looking.  I thought, "Well, maybe that'll help keep her from hemorrhaging" though there wasn't an abnormal amount of blood presenting.

I tried to get her out of the tub.  She was still wailing, crying...totally not present.  I had to grab her face and make her look at me.  I yelled at her, "Stay here!"  "You're safe."  "I've got you."  "You're alright".  She appeared to gather herself after that and I was able to get her out of the tub and onward toward the bed.  Before we reached the bed, I was literally carrying her.  Like a man carries a women in those ridiculous romance novels, those stupid Ten-Cent Nasties that my mother reads.  Clearly I was the hero. (Oh brother!)

Except, some hero!  Once I placed her on the bed, she seized.  There she lies, having seizures and I stand there not knowing what to do.  I fumble around trying to place her in a shock position, get a chux pad under her bottom, make a mental note that she's not hemorraging, and still not knowing what to do for her. 

She comes to, somewhat.  Enough to place a pillow over her head to block out the bright overhead light shining in her eyes.  I think, "Well, at least she's got the where-with-all to know that there's a light shining in her eyes.  I wonder if she'd like some orange juice?"     Huh???    

After that I wake up, sweating.  I laid in my bed thinking of this whacko dream, wondering why I didn't know what to do for her.  Then I started to run through the scenario again, this time awake, asking myself..."What would you do?" 

Though I know it was only a dream, and often they are totally whacked and irrational, it still causes me great concern that I don't know exactly what to do in this scenario.  It should be second nature!  I doubt that a glass of OJ would've helped.  She was seizing, for Pete's sake!  She was definitely in shock, so would the Shock Drink of cayenne, honey and water have helped?  How do you get anyone to take that when they are already seizing?  She wasn't hemorrhaging so an IV wouldn't be necessary, would it?  What led up to it anyway?  Was she mentally unstable?  Was she overly traumatized by something?  Why was she so out of her head? And, WHERE WAS THE BABY?

I'm thankful that the next classes I'm taking are the Prenatal Complications and Complications in Birth and Postpartum.  And I pray I have NO MORE dreams like this.  Sheesh!!  Makes me think I need a shot of something besides creamer in my coffee this morning.  

The same kind of different

I feel like last night was another kind of midwifery for me.  This time we were waiting for life to pass instead of life to arrive.  But it still felt like midwifery.  

A room filled with women...women gathered to offer strength, honor, love.  

A space to be "held", dignity to be watched over.  

Loving touch, relaxing massage, caresses; comfort measures. 

Beautiful, soothing, relaxing music.  A harpist, no less.

I love you's

I love you too's

Hands held, hair brushed, kisses to forehead, sweat wiped from a brow.

Instead of listening to fetal heart tones, we listen to each other, to ragged breathes, small sighs.  

Hours to pass, weariness, grace.  

Prayers offered up.  

Prayers answered.

When life left, it was beautiful in its simplicity.  Just one small sigh and she was gone.  The emotions at that moment were just as raw and just as real as at any birth I've attended.  It was the same, but different.

The same kind of different.

The tears are the same, only different.

It's goodbye instead of hello

The same but different

The honor of attending, the same but different

Relief that it's over, the same but different

Joy in the moment, the same but different

Birth and Death, it's all just the same kind of different

It's here, Finally!!!

I can't believe that it's finally here!  We leave in the morning, EARLY!!  It'll take us all day to get there, but we'll be on our way to COOPER!!!!

We miss you Buddy!!  Get ready for some serious snuggling with Grammy and Rough n Tumble time with Gramps.

  

Oh Yeah!!  It's so happening!!!

Two!

Miss Mahala turned two in October.  She is such a big girl.

She is an independent little girl, a very determined girl.  She is also a chatty girl, a super snuggly girl, a kissing girl, and a hugging girl.

She is Grammy's Girl!!

Cookies

This is one of the reasons I'm so happy we've moved home!   I've missed my Little Ladies and our Holiday Cookie Baking Day!!!   We have lots of yummy snacks, punch, Christmas Music is blaring through the speakers. By the time we're done, my kitchen is a disaster!  It's so much fun.  Plus, it's a spectacular way for me to spend time with my nieces.

Phenomenal Woman - Ruthie Foster Live at Antone's

For my grandmother, my mother, my sisters, my daughters, my grandbaby girl and myself!

Haiti

I want to go to Haiti.  I finally voiced my desire and passion to my husband and of course, he's 100% in total agreement with me, 100% uber supportive!!  WOW, I love him!!!


I've been lurking on FB pages and various blogs regarding the birth center in Haiti called MamaBaby Haiti.  I've been lurking for over a year...reading, watching, peeking into their lives.  I'm beginning to feel like I know Sarah, Santo, & & Charles Marie.  


I've asked for Rosetta Stone to teach me French or Creole. Or both!!  Here is a link to MamaBaby Haiti.  Check it out!! http://www.mamababyhaiti.org/ 

I want to go this spring.  I will be finished with the didactic portion of my education by then but will still need to acquire some hand son skills before taking the NARM exam in August.  I want to stay 1 month.  I need to raise money.  I need to gather supplies.  I WANT THIS!!


This is my public PROCLAMATION!  This is my "Ask, Ask, Ask."  


OK Lord, let's see where this goes!

Robert Palmer - Every Kinda People (Live 1978)

Love is the only goal, to bring peace to any soul.

New Every Morning

*CAUTION* Graphic language. Ugliness. Apathy. (You've been warned)

I don't even know where to begin except that I'm sick and tired of drama.  I'm pissed, like REALLY PISSED OFF that someone else's stupidity affects my life.

I'd like to tell him, straight to his face, just what I think of his stupid drunk ass!  I'd like to tell him of all the things he's done to me throughout my life, that happened when he was drunk.  I'd like to tell him to kiss my ass and that I never ever want  to see him again.  I'd like to do this and much much more!  But he gets a pass, every single time, because he "has a disease."

What a week!

So much has happened this week.  So much to digest, process, file and catalog in my head and heart.  Once again I've been blessed beyond reason and compare by being in the presence of such astounding women at MCU.  These gals are the best of the best, be they students, faculty, mentors, etc.  I am always refreshed, recharged and rejuvenated after being here.  I miss my sweet man and look forward to seeing him at week end, but I already lament leaving these fine lady friends of mine.

Lists...

I'm a list maker.  I have post-its everywhere; in my office, in my car, in my purse, on my dresser.  I have magnet styles on my fridge.  I've got lists in my iPhone. I have lists scrolled in eyeliner on my bathroom mirror.  I have the famous GROCERY LIST (and who doesn't) plus I have separate grocery lists that are just for COSTCO & PILGRIMS Health Foods. I have a TO-DO 2DAY list, I have a BOOK list and a MOVIE list.  I have a GOOGLE list (for all those questions that need answered and stuff I want to investigate further) and ...My current list (which I'm adding to)...   

 MCU CONF & PAK list...

PSGM

Syllabi

Laptop

$$$

Class Reg. info

Hotel Conf. #

Warm jammies

Slippers

Comfy shoes

Ghana basket

Herbal tea

Book and lite

...

...

A Hollow Ache

I held you tightly to my heart this morning while you slept in my arms. You wearing warm, snuggly footy jammies.  It was still dark outside; the sun hadn't arrived yet.  You snuggled into my neck and gave sweet little man snores.  I prayed for you, while you slept on my chest.  I cried, knowing how much I'll miss you.  I held you close and watched as your parents finished packing the car. When you woke, I watched you stretch and yawn and grin up at me.  My heart melts every time you do that.  I want to permanently etch that little smile in my memory.  

I could tell from your little furrowed brow and perplexed look that you didn't understand.  You looked up at me as I cried...I didn't want to let you out of my arms... I didn't want to quit smelling your sleepy head, your smelly morning baby breath.  I didn't want you to go.

I watched you drive away with your parents, in that tightly packed car, "FLORIDA OR BUST" scrolled on the back window. 

I wept.  

I miss you already, Cooper.

Community

I have been going to a naturopathic clinic lately, trying to get to the bottom of some health issues.  While there, both the ND's on staff were very excited to find out that I will be practicing midwifery soon.  Both ND's, on several occasions, have reminded me that they want my business cards and brochures in their office.

They WANT to refer preggy clients to me!!!

Some of their words... "We are so thrilled to have you as a part of our community."

A part of our community.

I love that.

Feelin' Good

It's a new day

Finito

I got "fired" by text message on Friday.  Well, I guess you can't really say fired, since I wasn't an employee.  No cash for services ever made an exchange.  But, I was definitely "let go" via a text message.

At first I was stunned, like shell shocked.  I read and re-read the message. "I've decided to have my daughter job-shadow, so You are relieved of your duties.  Enjoy the rest of your summer."

Michael Franti - "Nobody Right Nobody Wrong" Live at WTMD

The first time I ever heard of Michael Franti was at a MCU Conference a few years ago. An instructor, who has since become someone dear to my heart, showed a video of this man and this song. This song literally moved me to tears. It spoke to my soul. Ever had a song do that to you?

Mortality

The older folks in my life have suddenly become, well... older.  More frail. False parts. Forgetful. Some with what could be considered "quality of life" issues.  It makes me so sad.

My dad doesn't have any teeth left.  Not a one!  But, he does have a shiny, smiley set of pearly dentures.  He never had good teeth in the past; years of smoking will really do a number on dentition.  He never had a nice smile.  Smoking, coupled with a barroom brawl or two, (not to mention a psycho, combative ex-wife) and a couple teeth knocked out will also do a number on dentition.   He also can't breath very well.  I've seen him at time when his lips are literally blue!  He wheezes and huffs and puffs, all while pulling on his damn cigarette.  Wonder how long his shiny. smiley, pearly dentures will hold their pearly, smiley shine.  I wonder when his heart will just give out; or his lungs.  My sister bought him all the stuff to smoke the "e-smokes" but he won't use it.  It sits on his cupboard, glowing tip and all, while he lights up another coffin nail.  I'm afraid that I will get a phone call one of these days, saying Dad keeled over and died.  He's only 64 and I'm only 45.  I'm not ready to lose my dad.  I don't know what I'll do with myself if that happens.  I wish he'd quit the smokes.  If wishes were nickels, right?

Friend

I don't know her or she me other than we'd met at a dinner gathering and sat beside each other during a lecture.  She intrigued me.  I had heard snippets of her life, her journey from Africa - across The Pond to Utah and then to my neck of the woods in N. Idaho (what are the odds of that). Her dilemma of finding a midwifery practice where she can serve touched my heartstrings. I know two midwives who are so busy they can hardly find joy in their craft.  Surely there is a place there for this wise, brave and gentle, world traveling midwife. Surely there she could find a place to land and regroup.  I had hoped.  I was wrong, though I suppose not too surprised. I selfishly mourned though. I had hoped to get to know her better, to glean some of her wisdom, her knowledge, her sense of ...

And then...

She called me last night, just to talk.  Right off the start, she said she needed a friend to talk to and would I be that for her.  How bold!  Don't you think?  I've often wished I had the guts to do that.  There have been people I've met and I've wanted them to be my friend, but never really knew how to go about it. But here it was, the answer.  Just ask!  It seems so foreign to me.  I can't imagine calling anyone on the phone and just asking them to be my friend.  In fact, normally I'd shy away from anyone asking this of me.  Honestly, I don't know why I didn't do my usual "duck & run" routine and politely end our conversation last night.  I'm puzzled by my own behavior.

After we spoke for 30 - 45 minutes (and had a lovely conversation) she mentioned that its her African way to NOT call me back.  If I wanted to pursue a relationship with her, the ball is in my court.  AGAIN, how simple, how lovely!  I told her that I appreciated her telling me that sooooo very much.  I tend to get so easily sidetracked with my life, school, my midwifery future that my friends are the ones who have to do all the reaching out.  In fact, I told her that I was going to have to call a good & dear friend and apologize for just that!  She encouraged me to do it.   I will!

After we had ended our phone call, my husband looked at me, a bit puzzled.  He too knows that this isn't my nature, to just say I'll be someone's friend.  I'm normally very very cautious about who I "let in."   Hmmm... this is so strange to me.  

In the meantime, I'm happy that she called me and I'm definitely going to call her back.  Regardless of what comes after, I'm certain that she and I were meant to meet.   Seriously... from Africa to UT to ID, practically in my own back yard?  Oh Yes, we were definitely meant to meet.

Wonder

I'm trying something new this morning.  My daughter follows a blog that does this "Five Minute Friday" thing, which has intrigued the heck out of me.  I'm gonna give it a whirl...

The premise...write for 5 minutes about the "given" topic.  No worries of editing, syntax, etc.  Just type...

This Friday it's WONDER

Here goes...

I wonder what their thoughts are this morning, this morning after the arrival of their new baby girl.  I wonder what the neighbors in the upstairs apartment must have thought, listening to primal groans, and grunts as She pushed her baby out in her bathtub, in those usually quiet, still wee morning hours.  I wonder what goes through the thoughts of a newborn after that incredible journey.  I often think about those newborns and I wonder...what must they be thinking, feeling, etc right now.  Do they have thoughts?  Do they process what just happened?   It's quite a change from what they are used to, isn't it?  I wonder if people get it, how wonderful and awesome birth is, how it truly is the space between heaven and earth.  I wonder if folks understand that I get to see the most spiritual of moments, and how that affects me?  It is WONDEROUS, what I get to do; greet these new babies, touch their little bodies, bless them, smell them, love them.  I am blessed.

And now my 5 minutes are up.  That was quick.

Sleeping with someone else...

Last night I slept with a young married couple.  Well, slept isn't exactly what I did, but I was in a large king sized bed with another man and his wife!  Hee Hee... At a birth...

This mom was so wracked with fear of "What If", that she could barely function.  EVERYTHING was a potential problem and I mean EVERYTHING!

I knew I was going to have to work hard with this one from the first time I met her.  Picture a highly educated, well read, professional woman from Chicago, she wants the lo-down skinny about every little thing going on in her pregnancy, wants to know every lo-down skinny about you and your life as well, (seriously!  It was quite funny, but that's another story).  She has a very competitive nature and was really interested in the birth outcomes and stats of her Bradley Class peers.  (Who had the quickest birth, who had the best support person, who was breastfeeding, who was a screamer and who was a silent birther, etc. etc.)  I swear she'd read every single book published on pregnancy, natural childbirth, and breastfeeding.  She had it ALL figured out and knew exactly what to expect and how she would deal with it.   She had her Early Labor regimen planned; she and Darling Hubby would leisurely stroll with their two Golden Retrievers along the Spokane River, enjoying the late afternoon sun.  They'd laugh and kiss and be filled with excitement for the arrival of their little girl.  Afterwards, when they returned to their condo, they'd have a celebratory glass of champagne and snuggle onto the couch to watch old movies, still waiting patiently for labor to progress...

Uh Oh!

Now enter..."Curve Ball"...

"Be Humbled"

I'm not sure how to blog this.  I want to wax poetic and wane wistful, but this is too low down and gritty for that.

I don't want to go into "The Back Story" to set this up, but how do you measure the intensity of feeling, the bewilderment of actions without a bit of Back Story?  

I'll be brief.

Packing

Lists...
Stacks...
Check-offs...
Boarding Pass and itinerary...
Muttering...
Puttering...
What to bring, what to leave.
"Honey, don't forget to..."
"Where'd I put my ..."

You'd think I was leaving for a month instead of a week.  Sheesh!!!

Coupon Crazy

I want to be a coupon cutter, money saver.  All my friends are doing it.  And apparently with great success.  Free toothbrushes abound!  Bags and bags of groceries for little to nothing in cost.  So they say...

I went online to give myself a little tutorial about proper coupon etiquette.  I learned words like doublers & catalinas.  I read up on coupon policy by stores.  I was ready. I was excited.  I purchased my Sunday paper, anxiously got it home and prepared my place to begin the cutting!

But, my newspaper didn't have any manufacturer coupons in it.  What?!?!   I became instantly frustrated.  Called Oldest Daughter (who is a crazy coupon woman) and asked her, "What's up?  No coupons."  She didn't know.  She was no help, no balm to my angst.

I flung the newspaper aside and went downstairs to pout.

Next day -  I decide I'll go online and print off the manufacturer coupons I want and then I'll use my Alberstons doublers (just learned about those) and I'll save oodles of money.  Screw those who left the ads out of my paper! You can't keep a crazy couponer down!!

OMG!!! Do you know what a temper tantrum looks like before the first cup of coffee has been consumed?  It is not pretty, let me just say that.

I could not figure out why I couldn't print coupons.  I downloaded the software, and nothing. I uninstalled it and reloaded it again and again and again!  I'm not kidding. I did it a total of 3 times.  AND... still no printed coupons.  I changed the settings on my spyware and  firewall.  I rebooted. Three times.  Still nothing.

Then I had an "Ah-Ha" moment and decided to open the web pages in a different browser.  Walla...whattya know?  How stupid!!!  

Browsed coupons...there were only four I could use.  FOUR!  It's a whole $6.00 in savings.  No free toothbrushes, no bags and bags of groceries for little to nothing.   Geez.

After all that, I can barely work up the energy to go to the grocery store and use these coupons.  I think I'm not coupon crazy any longer.

Arduous

This birth was long, hard, drawn out, emotional, frustrating, agonizing, hopeful, and a whole bunch of other adjectives that my sleep deprived brain can't quite grasp. It was arduous.  We literally used every trick in the book to get this baby to come.  We tubbed, we squatted, we lunged, we sat on toilets, birth stools and birth balls.  We hula'd, we swayed, we walked. We did hands and knees, knees and chest and McRoberts.

The entire time, Mom stayed dilated at 9 cm!!  NINE cm. for many, many, many hours.  And as frustrating as all this, as heart wrenching as it is to watch a mama push for several hours and not bring her baby any closer to birth, it is absolutely NOTHING compared to watching her do it alone since her husband was 100% useless!

Hope

Trust your strength

pick more wildflowers

Surrender your FEAR

Find beauty in the small

Unleash your joy

Teach kindness

celebrate the gift of today

keep being brave

Early morning text msg

Minutes before six a.m. my phone alerted me to a text message.  It was not the kind of message anyone wants to read.

A dear midwife friend from UT was involved in a car accident the day before and had lost her life.

My head struggled to come out of a sleep induced fog and fully grasp the meaning of the message I was reading. When it dawned on me...the who, the what, the when...I began to weep.

Even now, after a few hours to process and reflect, I'm still dumbfounded, speechless.

Such a loss.  She was such a talented, beautiful young woman.  She will be greatly missed.

Balance

Balance is not easy for me right now.  I guess if I were honest, I'd have to say that balance has never come easy for me.  It seems I'm always stretched too thin, burning both ends of the candle, behind the eight ball, frantically trying to get ahead, blah, blah, blah.

AND... I am dreading Wednesday.  Staff Meeting at the birth center.  I HAVE to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my preceptors.  I'm worried that it will not go well.  I have to find balance with my preceptorship, my academics, my family, my spiritual life.  So, I'm thinking the first place to start is with my preceptorship.  It's an important part of my education, but it can't be so time consuming as to take away from my actual class study time.  Which it is.  I'm at the BC (birth center) about 11 hrs a day, 3 days a week.  That's just for prenatal appts and does not include any births or home postpartum visits.  While I'm at the BC, I am learning valuable stuff.  But by the time I get home at night, there is rarely a few hours left to prepare dinner, eat it, kiss the hubby, and crack a textbook before its time for bed.  Not a lot of quality study time.

Add to this the fact that my preceptor (one of them) told me last week that she's terribly disappointed in me and my lack of skills.  She actually called me minimalistic.  As in, I take the minimal approach and only do the bare minimum to get the job done.  WOW!  Really?!?!?!  I'm flabbergasted, to be honest.  I've gutted it out with these ladies for several months, giving it all I've got to the point of neglecting my studies with MCU, not to mention time with my family.  There are days when we've had birth after birth and I've not seen my own bed for over 40 hrs.  But I'm minimalistic.  I know this is the life of a midwife, and I'm not grumping about the long hours.  It goes with the territory.  But, to have my preceptor say this to me...well, I'm rather bewildered.  I'm having a hard time getting over it, to be honest.  Possibly I'm taking it too personal?  Here's a text message that was sent to me in error from one midwife to the other.  Add this to my perplexity... (note: this text came after an all-nighter birth while I'm on my way to the BC for another birth - three babies within 24 hrs. that day) Midwife #1 was going home to sleep. Midwife #2 was just coming on shift after time off.

"I'm sending Kim to BC.  Maybe she can get a nap.  But I think it's good for her to experience the marathon. Rank has privileges :o) LOL  I think we r going to like this setup."

During this "marathon" I'm the only one who went without sleep.  4 hrs. sleep from 5am Monday to noon on Wed.  What is that? 55 hrs. or something?  Again, I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy, but when  you add the ass chewing into this time frame as well as the comment of minimalistic...Grrr... Frustration!!

Does an intern have the right to feel taken advantage of?  Am I free grunt labor?  I am learning things, and I'm not paying for the internship (like some students do) so do I just suck it up and get as much outta this as I can?  Do I even bother mentioning to them that I AM NOT MINIMALISTIC?

Add all this baloney to the mix of moving AGAIN, (without getting any time off from the BC) and you can see that I am desperate for balance!  I'm just not sure where to begin to find it.

I think my head may explode!

Teen Mom

Yesterday, I helped a 16 yr. old girl have a baby.  She delivered a very pretty, little 6 lb. 10 oz. baby girl.  Seriously, a more beautiful baby I have never seen.

It was a very emotionally charged birth and it brought back a flood of memories for me.  After the birth, I had to go to the kitchen (in the birth center) and have myself a little cry.  Thankfully CB was with me (she's one of the other midwives).  She just hugged me and let me sob for a bit.

If you know me, you know that I had a baby when I was 16.  A baby girl who weighed 6 lb. 8 oz.  A little baby girl that I thought was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen.  Kristen is 28 yrs. old now.  I was surprised at how this current birth affected me after so many years have passed.

I want to share more about this birth and all that happened, but right now I really need to process it all.   I've been up since Monday morning with only 4 hrs. sleep (as of yesterday at noon).  I did sleep like the dead last night, but I still need time to compartmentalize all that took place.  I promise I'll blog it...later.

I guess I can truthfully say that emotions, feelings, thoughts, The Past, never ever go away.  Even if you've "dealt" with it.  After 28 yrs. all it took was a trigger (and what a trigger!) to bring them all back to the forefront of your mind.

I need to chew on this for a bit.  I need to pray.  I need to find peace.  I need to find quiet and safety and take time to deal.  I may have to make a phone call or two.  I think I need to have a conversation with my mother and father.

I know I need to call my Kristen and tell her how much I love her! 

This is my little 6# 8oz baby girl the day after she was born.

Whirlwind

It's been a crazy few days.  LOTS of babies!!!  There have been 5 since Friday.  In fact, two were born on Friday, within 1 hr of each other.  Thankfully, both were at the birth center so we could "tag-team".

Then we had a baby born on Saturday afternoon.  Then two more born on Sunday.  I slept on Friday night but then didn't get to bed again until last night (Sunday).  I was literally draggin my ass yesterday!!!

But, all lovely births, beautiful healthy babies and blissfully happy parents.  Thank you, Jesus!

And!! I think we may have found a house to rent.  Hallelujah!!  AND! we can have our mutts!!!

EXCEPT...

There have been plenty of lovely, happy prenatal appointments since the awful day of telling a new mommy that  she wasn't pregnant.  Plenty of perfectly perfect baby bumps.  Plenty of blissfully happy mama's, proudly exposing their bellies for me to "play with" (insert palpation, fundal height measurements, fetal heart tone auscultation and other boring terms that all equal "playing with baby" in my little world).

Yesterday was no different, EXCEPT... one little mama...26 weeks pregnant with her second wiggly, actively kicking darling...just back from vacation with her family...suntanned...relaxed...smiling and sunshiny...here for a follow-up ultrasound.

Her last ultrasound, before she left on vacation, showed a lower than normal amount of amniotic fluid.  Our U/S tech wanted to look again, to be certain...

Certainty is the term Gross Abnormality; Non-Compatible With Life;  meaning that once this little one is born, she will die.  The U/S shows only a partial spine, only two chambers in her little heart, no kidneys, no stomach.  Yet she is alive at the moment, kicking and wiggling inside her mommy's belly.

When I saw Mom's face as she exited our ultrasound room, I knew the diagnosis.  My heart broke.

I never really know what to do or say in this type of situation.  I'm a terribly emotional person and very very sensitive to others emotions.  When this mama came down the stairs from our ultrasound room, all I could think to do was hug her, hug her HARD!  She made eye contact with me and my footsteps advanced.  I didn't ask, but told her, "I am going to hug you," while tears are pouring down my cheeks.

And I did hug her.
And she hugged back, desperately.
And I wept while she wept.

I do not like this day.

Loss is loss

Prenatal appointments are delightful.  They are filled with expectation, excitement, hope.

But not for all mamas.

What do you tell a new mama who's been trying and trying to conceive that the 3 positive pregnancy tests she's taken are mistaken?  How do you explain that you cannot hear fetal heart tones?  How do you soften the blow of no baby showing up on the ultrasound?  How do you help her to understand terminology like blighted ovum?

And when the reality does sink in...when she finally gets it, that there is NO baby... then what do you do?

You sit beside her.  You wrap your arms around her and you cry WITH her.  Because loss is loss, no matter how "far along" you are.

My heart aches.

#7 KC

I don't think I'll ever forget Client #7 KC.  She was the same age as my youngest daughter; only months apart.  She and her husband were young, newlywed BYU students, living in an infanticimally small Student Housing apartment.  I've literally been in small hotel rooms that were bigger and more spacious than their apt.   

She was from Great Britian, he from UT.  I loved her accent.  I loved listening to her dry, sharp & funny wit. She was a hilarious girl, laughing every time I saw her.  She tended to have a potty mouth!  She tried so hard to live up to her husband's faith expectations (her faith as well, though she wasn't born and raised LDS) but when she'd come for prenatal appts without her man, you could get a glimpse of who she "used to be."  She always wore the BEST, and I mean the best jewelry.  Being a woman who loves the bling, I was always complimenting her "jewels" - Big gaudy earrings, flashy necklaces, rings on her fingers that were monstrous in size and just as gaudy.  She totally ROCKED them!!  

I took an instant liking to her!

They hadn't planned this baby.  They were too focused on their studies, their life dreams, their educational goals.  Life always seems to throw a curve ball when we have all our stuff planned out, doesn't it?   But, both these young people took it in stride and got down to the business of becoming parents.

On her last prenatal appt. she was complaining of what felt like period cramps.  They had been "pestering" her all night and even into the morning.  

The midwife and I nodded knowingly at one another.  MW checked her and discovered that our little primi-first-time mama was already dilated to 7 cm!!! 

At the teeny weeny apt. she labored.  It wasn't long after we arrived that the "period cramps" took a turn.  She had no doubt that these were contractions, not cramps.  She and her darling hubby labored in every closet-sized room of their apt.  She walked, she squatted, she belly danced, she swayed, she moaned, she labored.  The entire time, I held the space (ok, but with a few listening moments to get the baby's heart tones)  That's what I love to do.  Just guard the moment, hold the space and let the couple do their thing.  They needed very little "coaching."  

The part that sticks in my head and causes me to remember ALL the details of this birth is when she was actually pushing her baby out.  Her hubby was so into it, he wanted to catch the baby and was right there, front and center, shoulder to shoulder with MW. SHE was squatting ON the couch seat!  The couch was too softly stuffed for her to get leverage so she forcefully requested me to get behind her so she would push against me.  So there I was, squatting behind this young mother, my arms and knees wrapped around her birthing body, literally enveloping her with my own body.  After she would heave and push, she would rest her head back on my shoulder, her cheek to my cheek, her ear to my ear, the entire time my arms and thighs wrapping her in my own body.  We must have looked like a two headed, eight limbed birthing femme.  

It was in one of these rest periods, with her head on my shoulder, her breath in mine, that I realized what a tender and loving moment this was.  I suddenly felt guilt for being in that position.  This should be her husband holding her, loving her through this.  I looked up to him, made eye contact and quietly asked if he would like to switch places with me.  As he was negatively nodding his head, SHE fiercely grabbed my knees and hands and bellowed, "NO.  Stay where you are!"  

So, I sunk into it. I continued to squat behind this magnificent woman and felt every heave of her body as she proceeded to push her baby into the world.  While doing this, while holding her, I fell in love.  It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced.  I was so completely suffused with a Mother's Love for this young woman, that I began to cry.  In that moment, I couldn't have loved her any more than if I were holding my own daughter in the same way.  When she finally pushed her little boy out of her body and her darling husband did in fact catch him, I couldn't have felt more pride.  I literally kissed her cheeks and bawled!  It was beautiful and magical and even re-telling it makes me weepy.

I've never experienced that feeling of sudden and overwhelming Mother Love again.  I have lots of tender moments with clients but that particular rush was different.  

I wonder what that was.  

I wonder if I'll experience it again.

I hope.

Numbers

I have to keep track of all the births I attend, all the prenatal, postpartum, and newborn exams that I do. NARM (North American Registry of Midwives) wants to know that I've done what they require before they deem me a Real Life Midwife!   It's a pain in the butt, to keep track of each client, assigning them numbers  (HIPAA Laws) and referring to them in all the documentation as that particular number.  In fact, I've had to create a master list of names with their corresponding numbers (one alphabetical by name the other numerical) just so I can keep track of them. It's a daunting task, to say the least.  Though it is a chore, I don't truly mind it.  I realize how vitally important it is to be fully educated and know what I know what I know.  I won't be one tiny bit intimidated to hand in my sheets of numbers to the NARM folks next year.

I say all that to say this... while going through my list, I began reflecting on the names of each client and I'm surprised how many I remember so vividly.  I took several moments and purposefully remembered each birth scene. I can still clearly see the surroundings, where I was at the magical moments of pushing, crowning, delivery. I can distinctly remember several births that impacted my life profoundly.  Feelings I'd never experienced before, that suddenly were bubbling to the surface, causing wave after wave of emotions.

I think I have blog material for the rest of my life, if I chose to blog about each birth that impacted my life in some way.  Maybe I'll do that.

Things in my life...

I have been reflecting on a thought... 

There is a difference between the things that happen in my life and my life.  This is something that I/we tend to fuse together into one thing.  It's very hard to see the distinction.  It's a bit like trying to help a fish to see the water.  You know what I mean.   You've heard  people say it all the time; I've said it myself many, many times.  

"Well, that's just my life." 

"That's life."

"What a great (or shitty) life." 

"I hate my life"

"I love my life."  

But, this is always/only referring to happenings!  Rarely are we truly attributing our thoughts of life to actual life! It's always centered around the things in our lives.

Lately, my "life" has been in the shitter.  Things have been piling up, one on top of the other, worse and worse, more garbage, more bad news, etc.  (believe me, after all this, add the fact that my husband lost his job... yeah, life was feeling pretty awful!)

Then, an ah ha moment.  A bright, sparkling nugget dropped into my grey matter. 

I am reminded that the things that happen in my life are not my life.

I had forgotten that...

My life is a miracle

My life is a daily gift - freely given

My life is precious and valuable

My life is worthy to be loved (and LIVED!)

My life is beautifully and wonderfully made

My life is God-imaged

I will NOT be defined by circumstances, no matter how dismal those circumstances appear.  

"This" will not have the last word!

Reverse Thinking

We Are

We are getting over the shock.  

We are facing our new reality.  

We are healing and moving on.

FIRED

My husband lost his job on Wednesday.  After nine years of faithful, loyal service; never missing one day of work that wasn't a vacation day or holiday; receiving positive, glowing annual employee evaluations; yearly merit raises and various job promotions, the owner of the company walked onto the job site, told my husband that they don't see eye to eye and to get off his property.  Seriously!  That was it.  Nothing more or less.  Just that..."we don't see eye to eye, I don't want you running this farm any longer, please get off my property."

We are shell-shocked, to say the least.

Yesterday, we had hopes that we may have a case of Wrongful Termination.  We read the laws and statutes for UT and ID regarding this topic.  We spoke to an attorney this morning.  We have NO case.  ID and UT are both "At Will" states which plainly means that an employer can terminate an employee AT WILL.  The only way it would be illegal is if they violated their own company personnel policy or were discriminatory in any way.

For the entire time we worked for Young Living Essential Oils (myself for 8 yrs, Speed for 9) we were taught that we had to have a paper trail in order to legally terminate an employee.  Since Speed & I were both in management positions with this company, we were subject to various training seminars in this topic.  We really thought we'd have a case as Speed has NEVER received any disciplanary action or notice in his entire history of YL employment.  But, after reading and re-reading the employee policy, we are screwed.

I guess having full time attorneys on your payroll has paid off for Gary Young.  He can be immoral, violate all kinds of human rights issues and get away with it.  He doesn't have to have a valid reason to terminate an employee.  The wording that these lawyers have worked so hard to get into print of the policy handbook state that the employer can terminate with or without due cause.  No warnings are necessary.   I'm not sure why the company wasted their money or our time training us otherwise.

So... now we sit here with no action available to us, no recourse.  We have to essentially just bend over and take it.

A 48 yr old man shouldn't have to start all over again.

I've cried and cried and hollered and kicked and screamed and sat in deep contemplation and walked around in a daze.  My husband is in a deep funk.  I'm seriously worried about him.  He's never been fired before.

There is no law to protect the middle class white man.  That sounds racist but it is NOT. If you know me, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am NOT racist.  But the facts are that if you are extremely wealthy or destitute or of any number of ethnicities beside Caucasian, you have options.  Otherwise, you're just plain outta luck.

I feel hollow inside.  I don't know what we are going to do.

Processing

She'd been "doing stuff" for weeks.  Little twinges here and there; sometimes a good one that would make her stop and contemplate.  At each of our meetings she'd ask us to "check" though there were no changes.  She was ever hopeful that "today would be the day".

There were two dates.  The LMP date came and went.  That magic number 42...here today, gone tomorrow.  The second EDD, according to a 16 week ultrasound, assured us that she was only 40 weeks, so we agreed to wait.  NST on the baby showed lots of wonderful healthful activity.

Wait
Wait
Wait

41 weeks, my phone rings.  I'm just getting dinner on the stove; hardworking, hungry husband prowling the kitchen.  I reach into the refrigerator after taking the call, crack open an ice cold beer and hand it to my man. "Sorry Honey, but I gotta go.  These potatoes will be done in 10 minutes.  Do what you will with the steaks."  Kiss, Kiss...I'm out the door.

I get to the birth center and find Mama getting into the tub.  She's 7-8 cm. and things seem to be rockin' and rollin'.  Sr. midwife tells me baby's floating at -2 or -3, not engaging in the pelvis.  This has been our "problem" all along with this little one.  Mama is a large woman, pendulous belly, lots of room for baby to play; no need to put her head in the right place.

Later...9.5 cm (ish) with anterior lip.  Baby still floating, no engagement.  "Why don't you give a little push with this next wave? Lets see if we can get this little pumpkin to get her head down here."

Nothing...but FHT's are good.  Baby's tolerating labor really well.

This continues for about 1 1/2 hrs.  Baby's head still isn't where it should be.  Mom is getting tired.  We've tried our bag of tricks to get baby down.  FHT's are o.k. but not as great as they were.  O2 seems to be in order.  Baby likes the oxygen.  We put Mama on the toilet to push for a few contractions; "Let's see what that does."

In the meantime, the Sr. midwife is getting the chart together and copied as this mom is a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and our state regs. will only allow her to push for two hours before we have to transport.  Baby is still at -2 station (which means she is still high in the uterus and hasn't fully engaged in the bony pelvis of the mother).  I stay in the bathroom with Mama, encouraging her.  She has another powerful contraction and pushes to the point that her water breaks.

Oh Good Lord!!!  Particulate Mec!!  Lots of it.  Shit!!! Literally.  I plaster a smile on my face, "Oh look.  You're water broke.  Let me just jump downstairs and get the midwife.  Good Job!"   I calmly walk out of the bathroom and as soon as I'm outta sight, I haul ass to find the midwife.  She's with the grandparents who I don't want to freak out so I say, "Hey (insert midwife's name) we've got SROM with particulate mec."   Normal grandparents wouldn't know that this is not a good sign but the midwife did.  She nonchalantly leaves the presence of the grandparents and together WE haul ass back to the birthing woman.

You know how toothpaste looks when it's squeezed from the tube?  Thick and pasty?  That's what was coming out of this woman's vagina.  Black/green, thick, pasty, meconium.  I've seen lots of meconium stained amniotic fluid, but I've never seen anything like this.

We try to get heart tones on the baby, but its not easy because of Mom's size.  I literally have to lift her pendulous belly, sink a shoulder into it to hold it up, so I can get the doppler underneath the pannus and find the baby.   Yeah, after we find the heart tones, we are off that toilet and  onto the bed in a hands and knees position.  That baby still hasn't descended into the pelvis, now we have a mess o' mec and heart tones are starting to dip.  Sr. Midwife calls the EMT's for an ambulance transport as there isn't anyway we can get this woman into her vehicle (or ours for that matter) in this hands and knee position.

Fast forward to KMC in the labor and delivery area.  Sr.midwife is getting her ass chewed by the doc on call.  He's livid with the situation and accusing Sr. Midwife of all kinds of atrocities.  I am in shock as I stand there listening.  Sr. Midwife keeps her cool, respects the doc while in "his house" and as soon as he's done with his tyraid, she calmly and collectively defends herself, her craft and her client.  I will give mention that by the time we'd left the hospital, the doc was not hostile toward us any longer, and was in fact, quite complimentary of our practice, our records and the stellar job we'd done with this client.

Regardless, Mama has another cesarean section and the baby is compromised.  Baby had the worst case of meconium aspiration that this particular doc had ever seen.  The baby was rushed to NICU then life-flighted to Portland.  As of yesterday, "they" don't know if she will survive.

It's all so surreal - the labor, the transport, the hospital scene, the bad news, the weeping parents and grandparents, the "looks" from the hospital staff, that feeling of unwarranted guilt.

Oh the questions...What did we miss?  How could a baby be so happy and healthy sounding in the womb to  come out like this?  The doc thinks she was swimming in the mec for quite awhile - she was stained green, stinky/smelly and there was poop under her fingernails.  How would her NST sound so great two days before she was born if she was living in pea soup?  I didn't think fetuses "breathed" in utero.  I know they make breathing motions, but actual breathing?

I've done some research since this train wreck, because I'm confused regarding this breathing thing.  I've found that mec aspiration once was assumed to only occur primarily at birth in conjunction with the onset of respiration.  Now it is felt to happen most often with intrauterine mec passage associated with periods of fetal asphyxia (lack of O2) sufficient to promote gasping.  So, I wonder and remember and think... did the baby's heart rate ever drop that low?  No!  It didn't.  Couldn't it be possible that when the c section incision was made and baby was pulled out, that she could have aspirated then?  But what about the pediatrician saying that the mec in the lungs had been there a long time?  I have so many questions.

I'm still processing.

I'm still praying.

Six Months

Pardon me while I purge... it's been six month (read that again!!  SIX MONTHS) since we placed our house in Santaquin UT for sale.  That's six months of continuing to pay the mortgage and utilities AS WELL AS pay rent and utilities in Idaho.  In that six months we have had NO offers on the house.  None!  There have been a few looky-loo's but no serious buyers.  Our realtor is working like a fiend, trying all kinds of tricks to sell it.  And, she PRAYS!  But still, here we sit.  

It's now causing me actual anxiety, the real kind.  The kind that wakes you up in the night, soaked in sweat, with heart palpitations and your mind going completely bonkers with absolutely NO way to go back to sleep. I've never experienced this kind of worry before.  It permeates everything.   The people we are renting this beautiful home from in Idaho (the one we would like to buy) are coming back from Mexico in May.  If the UT house hasn't sold, we are screwed!!! We'll have to find another place to rent.  We've spent our savings, all of my 401K plus all the unemployment benefits I received just paying mortgage and rent.  In a few weeks there will be no more unemployment benefits and I'm not earning income.  The apprenticeship I'm participating in is free education which is such a blessing, but there is no time for an actual job to earn $$$.  I likely will not be earning an income for about a year, at which time I will be a "real" midwife.  

What confuses me to no end (and causes a serious faith crisis in my spirit) is that it appeared that we were doing what God wanted us to do, by moving up here.  We prayed and prayed and prayed before relocating.  We sought council from our church leaders and close friends.  Doors opened up before us like magic.  Literally!!  When we looked at all the opportunities that were opened up for us, we really felt like we were getting a clear sign from God that this was "a go".  The only snafu was the house.  But, we stepped out in faith, trusting God and believing that He would take care of it.  Isn't that what faith is... stepping out? trusting?  I told everyone around me that I knew God could find a buyer for our house.  I believed it!  

Now, I'm not so sure.  Now, I sit in my own anxiety-stew and gnosh on worry.  I can't even pray about it anymore.  It makes my heart sick.  How many times can you ask God, plead with God over something like this? It doesn't even seem right, especially in light of all the garbage going on in our world - soldiers still coming home from the Middle East in boxes, families losing their homes to foreclosure, loved ones dying, unemployment rates that are astronomical and truly no end in sight, and on and on and on.  It seems like things are in a downward spiral and I just can't seem to justify "bugging" God about selling my house.  Does He really care about that?  Who really cares if one more family (albeit only 2 people) loses their home to foreclosure or goes bankrupt and broke?

I keep hoping that God will "pull a rabbit outta his hat" and we'll get good news from the realtor!  I have to believe that!!  If not, I think this worry will consume me.

There are wonderful things going on though!  Truly wonderful.   

• I get to see my daughters and G-babies whenever I want.  I don't have to scrounge up airfare and time off from work anymore, just to get a G-baby snugglefest. 
• I am blessed to have become re-aquainted with my sisters.  We were really the best of friends before we moved to UT and now I have the opportunity to rekindle that relationship.  I'm VERY thankful for that.  
• I am getting the opportunity to re-aquaint myself with old friends.  Again, super happy about that.  
• I am in an spectacular apprenticeship program with two midwives AND they've asked me to stay on board with them, even after I get my license to practice!!  That is huge, as well as a source of instant income for me next year.   
• Even if we don't get to stay in this lovely home, it's been a fun-filled winter here!
• I'm almost finished with school!  Hallelujah!!!

I'm trying to keep my faith

Just Truth & Just Be

This morning I've been inspired.  Inspired by two dear Sister Friends who live far, far away but are always close in my heart and thoughts.

J., my Canadian friend, who lives on the other side of the continent, raising her chickens and her children. A fellow MCU student who I had the sweet opportunity to attend a birth or two with and share a "connect."  She blogged about just enjoying the journey instead of stressing and fretting about getting to the finish line.  Sweet words to my heart.  Wise counsel; sorely needed.

Today I will not stress or fret or fuss over The Deadline that looms over me.  Today I will not let my worry about being good enough, or able to DO THIS, rob me of the joy of learning, the joy of being HERE, on this journey.  As I told my dear Sister Friend - today I will drink my warm yummy coffee and enjoy being where I am in this journey.  Today I will read and be amazed at all the beautiful and wonderous things a woman can do while growing, birthing, and nourishing a baby.  Today I will absorb and reflect and be awed.  And that is absolutely perfect for today.

C., delightful hippy chic, my mentor, instructor, wise woman and sage.  She dares me to be bold and post the truth!  Imagine that.  No fluff, no dolling things up.  Just raw, awesome truth.  Whew!  Not easy. Introspective.

Today, this morning, this moment, what is my truth?

Truth is that I need a nap!  I'm sleep deprived because I worry too much.  Getting passed it is not easy. The things going down in my life at the moment;  finances, employment, education, health, etc... It's a heavy load.  Sleep deprivation from replaying over and over in my mind a conversation I took part in yesterday.   Why didn't I defend myself?  Why did I allow someone to lay an UN-truth on me?

Truth is, I'm terribly insecure.  You'd never know this because I fake it well.  Really well. On the outside.
But on the inside, when I'm allowed space and solitude...where our truth really lives...Why do I still gnaw on an old injustice? Why do I care what someone else thinks of me when they don't know my truth?

Two inspirations.  Today... I will not look at past hurts or injustices.  Today, I will not look ahead at the quickly approaching, glaring DEADLINE.  Today I will JUST BE and today I will practice JUST TRUTH.

Tracy Chapman - You're The One

Birth Center Sleep-Over

Since I was already in town for the birth of Mama S. (that I missed, by the way) and we currently have 3 more clients perched on the edge of Motherhood right now, I decided to spend the night at the birth center.  One of our mama's has been camped out at 5 - 6 cm and 90% effaced for a few days and last night while we were at the home birth of S., L. called to tell us that her contractions were about 15 min. apart. This is her second baby, so it seemed wise to stick around.  I didn't want to miss another birth.

Thankfully the birth center has comfy beds.  I slept like a log.  In fact, I was quite surprised to wake up at 7am this morning and realize that there was no birth last night!  Go figure!!!

But...this is what separates us from the docs.  This IS the ART of midwifery.  PATIENCE and TRUST (and learning to catch a few zzz's wherever you can).  If L. were seeing a doc for her care, she'd likely have been admitted to the hospital already with a good chance of a pitocin drip (since staying at 5 - 6 cm for any length of time would be considered failure to progress) or she would have her waters broken, or any number of interventions to get things "started" - All because of impatience!!!  As long as there are no problems presenting, there is no reason to rush this.  Mom's fine, baby's fine, so we can confidently wait and trust the birth process.

In my opinion, that is one of the biggest differences between midwifery care and ob/gyn care.  Patience!  It is really no big deal that there was no baby last night.  So, I'm going home to shower, eat breakfast, study and wait for this baby to decide when she's ready to make her debut!!

Patience is the name of the game. Don't muck with nature!  Trust God and His perfect design for birth.

This is exciting!

Being a midwife is a trip!

It's the best gig out there!!

COME!

This is the text message I received from Inga, one of the midwives I work with.  The previous text was telling me that she was going to the home of a client to "check" her and would keep me posted.  I live a good 45 - 50 minutes from the birth center and just a little less than that from this particular client's home.  She had been planning a home birth, baby #4 and was "doing stuff", so Inga went to check it out.

When I received the one worded text, I quickly shushed the dogs into their kennel, dampened the wood stove, grabbed my gear, and flew outta here!!  I had a fabulous time of prayer and communing with God while on the drive, super excited to be a part of this family's welcoming of their newest member, and super jacked about being called to be a midwife.

I arrived at my destination, walked into the front door and there on the couch was mama and baby!!  I'd missed the birth!!!   The first words from Mom's laughing, smiling mouth were, "You're just a day late and a dollar short."  All I could do was giggle helplessly!    Whaddya do?

Whaddya do??  Well, you roll up your sleeves and jump right in, that's what you do!!  There's clean up to be done, a placenta to be inspected, an herbal bath to prepare, and my favorite of all favorites... the newborn exam!!  This little bundle of boy weighed in at 9 lbs, he is 20" tall and his noggin measured 14".

Nice!!!

Adoption

I am a woman of few friends.  I don't have a lot.  I'm a bit choosy about who I let into my life.  My Facebook number isn't up in the 200 - 300 range. I'm perfectly OK with this!!

Those friends that I do have are spectacular and are a part of my life FOREVER.  This drawing, from my dear little friend Isabelle (who I believe is 7 or 8 yrs old - somewhere around there) proves it.   When asked to draw a picture of her family, this is what she created.   I consider this my OFFICIAL adoption paperwork into the Asbridge Family.   Speed & I are truly blessed!!

TSH Continued

Hormones are funny things.  Not funny HaHa, but funny peculiar.  They are so touchy and subjective. They are so totally responsive to each other and can even mimic one another if not careful.  Glands won't secrete hormones properly if other glands aren't doing their job correctly.  Strange stuff, these hormones.

I know enough to know that hormones aren't static. They aren't always the same, day after day after day in terms of release and response.  So, when the new doc suggested changing things up a bit for me regarding the thyroid hormones, I was all ears.  That, coupled with the fact that she spent well over an hour just talking to me, getting to know me and my lifestyle.  I don't know any doc who spends more than maybe 15 minutes with you.  AND she is not opposed to natural remedies.  What???  An MD who is not afraid of nature and the things God placed here to assist in healing the body?   Unbelievable.

I'm hopeful.

TSH

I go to the thyroid doc in the morning.  I'm so hoping that she finds something to fix.  I'm pretty certain my levels are off.  I've gained 30 lbs., have some serious skin issues, brain fog, irrational behavior, etc.  I got my lab results back today and that just makes me laugh!  The range of normal is beyond wide, beyond chasm.  It's insane!!

You can be considered to have normal thyroid function with a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) range of .40 to 4.50!!  What?!?  How is that a "range" of normal?  Geez... OK, $40.00 or $450.00, no big deal, it's all within normal limits!  Really?   "Oh, Mrs. Smith, you need an injection of this new wonder drug.  The dose is .40 ml but I'm going to give you 4 1/2 ml. just to be safe.  Don't worry, it's all normal."   Things like this drive me crazy!!

So... we'll see what this new doc says tomorrow.  Stay tuned.

This...

This is NOT a job.  This is a calling and a blessing and a passion.  This is something I want to do until I'm physically unable to do it.  This feeds my soul.  This gives me purpose.  This IS who I am.

More Holiday Cheer

If you follow this blog for very long, you'll notice that my little family is my life!!  And... I do believe the reason I was born was to be a Grammy!!

I was on call this holiday season (in fact, I assisted at a birth Christmas Day) so we postponed our little family celebration until the 30th.  I'm so happy we did.  Both families came and spent the night with us.  All I wanted for my Christmas was to have my kids with me, my grandbabies crawling around the house and to feed everyone some good ole' down home cooking.  And...someone must have been smiling down on me, because that's exactly what we did.  Just sat around, stuffed our bellies to the point of bursting, played silly games, exchanged gifts and just loved up on one another!!!

May adores her goofy Auntie Kristen.

Coop hanging with his dad.  We were so happy that Ty was home from the Gulf for the Holidays.  We miss him when he's gone.

May wanted to help me cook.

While we were waiting for the last of dinner to cook, we opened gifts.

May is totally into ripping that paper!!







 Cooper's not too shabby at it either.

Quelf is the FUNNEST GAME EVER!!! 

                                  

It makes you laugh until you think you might pee your pants...

It makes you do silly faces...

It makes you be creative with your opponents hair...

And it makes you ponder your next move.

We were up until 2am playing this stupid, silly, ridiculously funny game!!!

Next morning ...

The Wee Ones like Grammy's windows because the sills are low to the floor and they can see out of them easily.  

Missy May is the cheeriest, happiest, smiling-est, morning baby I've ever known.  She does NOT get this from her mother!!  When you see this delightful face in the morning, so happy to be awake and in your presence, you just know your going to have a spectacular day!!!  

Cooper is a loving Morning Snuggler.  When he gets up, he wants a cuddle and to have some snuggles.  How can you beat that?  It's the most delightful, heartwarming way to begin your day!!

 I love when they spend the night with me!!!     These two babies OWN me!!!

These following photos are of the GBabies playing in the tent that Cooper gave to Mahala for her Christmas gift.  It was the best present a girl could get!!!  I'm going to get one for my house so when they come to spend the night, they have one.  It was very fun and super entertaining.  I just wish I could fit in it with them.

The Perfect Land of Make Believe

 Cooper's smile is infectious and contagious!! 

Isn't he a Prince?

If you listen closely, you can hear them giggling.

Ahhh... May, pretending it's Nap Time.

May loves her tent!!!

"Oh, I can't believe I've got my OWN tent!" 

"All this space!!"