Finito

I got "fired" by text message on Friday.  Well, I guess you can't really say fired, since I wasn't an employee.  No cash for services ever made an exchange.  But, I was definitely "let go" via a text message.

At first I was stunned, like shell shocked.  I read and re-read the message. "I've decided to have my daughter job-shadow, so You are relieved of your duties.  Enjoy the rest of your summer."



Then I had a moment of being so mad!, so pissed off that I could hardly believe it.  Fired by text?  Who does that?  Thankfully, the moment of being angry quickly passed. What followed, and what I'm working through yet, is a mixture of relief, bewilderment, and feeling foolish.  I'm wrestling between being upset for wasting a year of my education and then reminding myself that it wasn't a wasteful year.  I did learn A LOT.  I just never got to get my hands on a perineum, on a nuchal cord, on an anterior lip...I still have no idea what that feels like.  Didn't get to catch anything except a placenta or two.  BUT...midwifery isn't just about birth, is it?

These women I've been working with, trying to learn from for the past year have never seemed to appreciated me.  They have not exhibited any amount of respect for me or what I may be able to offer.  I've always felt as if I were a glorified Cleaning Lady and someone to fill a slot so they could have a week off every month.  I can say with all certainty that they are NOT teachers.  Unfortunately, they shouldn't be preceptors as I believe they are doing a great disservice for MCU Students. I'll need to approach this subject carefully with the school's president.  I'm sad to think of any upcoming students spending them there and not learning valuable skills.

But...since I'm convincing myself that this wasn't a wasted year...let's look at what I have learned albeit it on my own.

I can palpate a preggy belly with the best of them, now.  I love to locate little baby parts, envisioning where they are located in Mom's body.  My style has come forth in communing with these little babes with my hands.  And, it is my style, because neither of the midwives do it this way.  I love to gently place my hands on Mom's preggy bump and just rest them there.  I don't start off by poking, prodding, mooshing or squooshing.  I gently lay my two large, warm hands on the bump and wait for a minute or two.  Baby usually always gives me a nudge to acknowledge me, then I say something like, "Hello Baby,  I feel you."  I think it is rude to start to palpate the baby without at least a quick hello.  After we've made introductions, I close my eyes and let my hands see.  I was not good at palpating a year ago.  I am good now!

My charting skills have improved exponentially.  It was something I hadn't done in the past, but I did a lot of prenatal charting this year.  A LOT!  Also lab work.  I AM (and I'm not bragging) the "phlebotomist" at DMS.  I could get a vein and a good stick almost every time, even when the midwives couldn't.

I rock newborn exams, newborn screening heal sticks and breastfeeding issues.

One of my proudest accomplishments (in my own mind) was problem solving postpartum issues with clients.  I loved digging deep into my brain and offering suggestions to "try this, what about that".  I've developed a real passion for postpartum care since this is something I saw as terribly lacking in the past year.  I'm a huge proponent of a "4th Trimester".

I've also become quite passionate about being a preceptor.  I do not believe that all midwives should teach.  These ladies at DMS may be good midwives but they are not good teachers.  When I am practicing, I WILL be an awesome preceptor.  I wholeheartedly believe in Jan Tritton's phrase in every Midwifery Today publication, "Each One Teach One."

My suturing skills are vastly improved.  When I have to do a perineal repair, it will be top-notch!  I've always been a good seamstress.

I've learned that I will not deliver 125 babies in a year.  I absolutely do not want to be that busy, that stressed, that thinly spread.  I'd be 100% ecstatic, over the top, joyously jumping for joy to offer exceptional, loving, personalized care to 2 - 5 women a month.  In fact, 5 babies in a month is likely too many for me.  I never, never, never want to be so busy that I cannot afford to sit with a new mama for several hours if necessary, to help her establish a good breastfeeding pattern. I never, never, never want to look at a clock and put out a vibe of impatience because the same new mama needs to talk and talk and talk while processing her birth experience.  I never, never, never want to be so busy that when I run into a previous client Dad at the grocery store, I can't remember his name.

This has not been a wasted year.  I've learned a lot.

When I initially received that text message, and after listening to me vent, my daughter said to me, "Mom, these are not nice women.  I'm so glad you didn't fit in there."  That struck me.  She is glad I didn't fit in there.  I thought about that for a bit.  Holy Cow!  I didn't fit in!!  I think that is fantastic!!  Thank you Jesus, I didn't fit in.