Six Months

Pardon me while I purge... it's been six month (read that again!!  SIX MONTHS) since we placed our house in Santaquin UT for sale.  That's six months of continuing to pay the mortgage and utilities AS WELL AS pay rent and utilities in Idaho.  In that six months we have had NO offers on the house.  None!  There have been a few looky-loo's but no serious buyers.  Our realtor is working like a fiend, trying all kinds of tricks to sell it.  And, she PRAYS!  But still, here we sit.  

It's now causing me actual anxiety, the real kind.  The kind that wakes you up in the night, soaked in sweat, with heart palpitations and your mind going completely bonkers with absolutely NO way to go back to sleep. I've never experienced this kind of worry before.  It permeates everything.   The people we are renting this beautiful home from in Idaho (the one we would like to buy) are coming back from Mexico in May.  If the UT house hasn't sold, we are screwed!!! We'll have to find another place to rent.  We've spent our savings, all of my 401K plus all the unemployment benefits I received just paying mortgage and rent.  In a few weeks there will be no more unemployment benefits and I'm not earning income.  The apprenticeship I'm participating in is free education which is such a blessing, but there is no time for an actual job to earn $$$.  I likely will not be earning an income for about a year, at which time I will be a "real" midwife.  

What confuses me to no end (and causes a serious faith crisis in my spirit) is that it appeared that we were doing what God wanted us to do, by moving up here.  We prayed and prayed and prayed before relocating.  We sought council from our church leaders and close friends.  Doors opened up before us like magic.  Literally!!  When we looked at all the opportunities that were opened up for us, we really felt like we were getting a clear sign from God that this was "a go".  The only snafu was the house.  But, we stepped out in faith, trusting God and believing that He would take care of it.  Isn't that what faith is... stepping out? trusting?  I told everyone around me that I knew God could find a buyer for our house.  I believed it!  

Now, I'm not so sure.  Now, I sit in my own anxiety-stew and gnosh on worry.  I can't even pray about it anymore.  It makes my heart sick.  How many times can you ask God, plead with God over something like this? It doesn't even seem right, especially in light of all the garbage going on in our world - soldiers still coming home from the Middle East in boxes, families losing their homes to foreclosure, loved ones dying, unemployment rates that are astronomical and truly no end in sight, and on and on and on.  It seems like things are in a downward spiral and I just can't seem to justify "bugging" God about selling my house.  Does He really care about that?  Who really cares if one more family (albeit only 2 people) loses their home to foreclosure or goes bankrupt and broke?

I keep hoping that God will "pull a rabbit outta his hat" and we'll get good news from the realtor!  I have to believe that!!  If not, I think this worry will consume me.

There are wonderful things going on though!  Truly wonderful.   

• I get to see my daughters and G-babies whenever I want.  I don't have to scrounge up airfare and time off from work anymore, just to get a G-baby snugglefest. 
• I am blessed to have become re-aquainted with my sisters.  We were really the best of friends before we moved to UT and now I have the opportunity to rekindle that relationship.  I'm VERY thankful for that.  
• I am getting the opportunity to re-aquaint myself with old friends.  Again, super happy about that.  
• I am in an spectacular apprenticeship program with two midwives AND they've asked me to stay on board with them, even after I get my license to practice!!  That is huge, as well as a source of instant income for me next year.   
• Even if we don't get to stay in this lovely home, it's been a fun-filled winter here!
• I'm almost finished with school!  Hallelujah!!!

I'm trying to keep my faith