Balance

Balance is not easy for me right now.  I guess if I were honest, I'd have to say that balance has never come easy for me.  It seems I'm always stretched too thin, burning both ends of the candle, behind the eight ball, frantically trying to get ahead, blah, blah, blah.

AND... I am dreading Wednesday.  Staff Meeting at the birth center.  I HAVE to have a "come to Jesus" talk with my preceptors.  I'm worried that it will not go well.  I have to find balance with my preceptorship, my academics, my family, my spiritual life.  So, I'm thinking the first place to start is with my preceptorship.  It's an important part of my education, but it can't be so time consuming as to take away from my actual class study time.  Which it is.  I'm at the BC (birth center) about 11 hrs a day, 3 days a week.  That's just for prenatal appts and does not include any births or home postpartum visits.  While I'm at the BC, I am learning valuable stuff.  But by the time I get home at night, there is rarely a few hours left to prepare dinner, eat it, kiss the hubby, and crack a textbook before its time for bed.  Not a lot of quality study time.

Add to this the fact that my preceptor (one of them) told me last week that she's terribly disappointed in me and my lack of skills.  She actually called me minimalistic.  As in, I take the minimal approach and only do the bare minimum to get the job done.  WOW!  Really?!?!?!  I'm flabbergasted, to be honest.  I've gutted it out with these ladies for several months, giving it all I've got to the point of neglecting my studies with MCU, not to mention time with my family.  There are days when we've had birth after birth and I've not seen my own bed for over 40 hrs.  But I'm minimalistic.  I know this is the life of a midwife, and I'm not grumping about the long hours.  It goes with the territory.  But, to have my preceptor say this to me...well, I'm rather bewildered.  I'm having a hard time getting over it, to be honest.  Possibly I'm taking it too personal?  Here's a text message that was sent to me in error from one midwife to the other.  Add this to my perplexity... (note: this text came after an all-nighter birth while I'm on my way to the BC for another birth - three babies within 24 hrs. that day) Midwife #1 was going home to sleep. Midwife #2 was just coming on shift after time off.

"I'm sending Kim to BC.  Maybe she can get a nap.  But I think it's good for her to experience the marathon. Rank has privileges :o) LOL  I think we r going to like this setup."

During this "marathon" I'm the only one who went without sleep.  4 hrs. sleep from 5am Monday to noon on Wed.  What is that? 55 hrs. or something?  Again, I'm not complaining or looking for sympathy, but when  you add the ass chewing into this time frame as well as the comment of minimalistic...Grrr... Frustration!!

Does an intern have the right to feel taken advantage of?  Am I free grunt labor?  I am learning things, and I'm not paying for the internship (like some students do) so do I just suck it up and get as much outta this as I can?  Do I even bother mentioning to them that I AM NOT MINIMALISTIC?

Add all this baloney to the mix of moving AGAIN, (without getting any time off from the BC) and you can see that I am desperate for balance!  I'm just not sure where to begin to find it.

I think my head may explode!