I don't even know where to begin except that I'm sick and tired of drama. I'm pissed, like REALLY PISSED OFF that someone else's stupidity affects my life.
I'd like to tell him, straight to his face, just what I think of his stupid drunk ass! I'd like to tell him of all the things he's done to me throughout my life, that happened when he was drunk. I'd like to tell him to kiss my ass and that I never ever want to see him again. I'd like to do this and much much more! But he gets a pass, every single time, because he "has a disease."
I'm sick to death of people saying alcoholism is a disease. Really? A disease? How can you have a disease when you can buy the "virus" in any grocery or liquor store in the country? Alcoholism is not a disease. I don't care what "the professionals" say. It's a weakness! It's a choice! Cancer is a disease. Diabetes is a disease. STD's are diseases. HIV/AIDS is a disease. Drinking yourself into oblivion, is NOT a disease. When I've been hurt at his hand, I was not hurt by a disease. I was hurt by a fucking drunk! When our belongings were destroyed, a disease didn't destroy them, a fucking drunk did! It wasn't a disease the ruined our family, it was HIM, a drunk! When a family loses a loved one to a drunk driver, they didn't lose their loved one to a disease! They lost their loved one to a stupid, selfish, irresponsible FUCKING DRUNK! Why do "they - drunks" get to have wonderful excuse of having a disease to explain their horrendous behavior? What do I get for an excuse? What do I get to use as a crutch to explain my phobias, my fears, my anxieties that were caused by A FUCKING DRUNK and not a disease!
He runs the gambit of drunk. He starts off being a funny drunk, the kind people laugh at, enjoy being around, thinking he's quite the comedian, the huckster, telling THE FUNNIEST stories you've EVER heard. Seriously funny shit!! You'll laugh until you literally think you'll pee your pants. But it never ends there. He then morphs into the sentimental drunk. Always telling you how much he cares, how much he loves, how wonderful you are, blah, blah, blah. Still it never ends there. Then its on to the sniveling, weeping drunk, blubbering in his drink, life is miserable, no one understands, more blah, blah, blah. And still he keeps freshening his drink. (Often, somewhere in between these two phases is where you may experience the inappropriate comments, touches, glances. They make my skin crawl. They make me want to puke.) After that there's my personal favorite stage of the angry and violent drunk. This is where he flips out and becomes hostile, yelling the foulest of obscenities, kicking, screaming, hitting, smashing. When the violence doesn't produce his desired reactions, then he moves on to a pathetic beggar drunk. He'll beg you for affection, he'll beg God for redemption, etc. It's disgusting. (And through this all, he continues to suck down the booze.) So, when the begging phase is over and it still hasn't produced whatever delusional results he wants, it's onto threatening suicide. Yeah, that's a treat! I've seen him place a gun to his head and pull the trigger. HE knew the gun muzzle wasn't properly aimed to blow his head off, but my 14 yr. old self didn't!! Can you imagine what I felt, watching this take place?
I've seen every single one of his "phases". You never know which drink will send him from one phase to the other. You never know for sure when sentimental drunk turns to blubbering drunk. Or when blubbering drunks snakes a hand out to touch you (always inappropriately) before morphing into violent drunk. He's too volatile. You can't predict. You can't gauge. You can't prepare. There is often no escape.
So, when I found out that the most recent near death experience that landed him in the ER was all a lie, was nothing more than the results of a 24 hr. binge of a 1/2 gal. of whiskey all to himself, I hated him. I have no grace or mercy left for him. NONE. I don't care if he gets out of this detox and goes back to the mountain and drinks himself to death. He will. He is weak. He is selfish. He is delusional. He is a DRUNK.
This has brought up so many memories, (triggers) it's unbelievable. I thought I had "dealt" with my past and my pain. Seeing him in the hospital bed, faking symptoms, lying about his near death experience, forcing tears and crying, looking for pity, threatening suicide, I was repulsed and jettisoned back to being a girl. It has triggered so much. So many angry questions. Why did he get away with all the things he's done to me? Why didn't someone stop him? Why did he make me, when I was 13 yrs. old, disrobe so he could whip me? Why did he chase me around the basement, me in NOTHING but my panties, he with a 3 ft. length of leather strap, lashing me, lashing me, lashing me? WHY? Why did he "touch" me when I was 16 and at my most vulnerable, weakest, most scared moment of my teen pregnancy? Why did he think he could do that? Why would he want to? WHY DID HE? Why did he get away with it? Where was my protector? Where was my guardian? Where was Jesus? I want to know WHY HE did those things to ME!!
I feel bad about any blog readers right now. I hesitated to really purge because this is raw and exposing and gross and disgusting. But I HAVE to get it out of me. I can't carry this on me any longer.
With that are rules, guidelines, boundaries that MUST be placed, protected and guarded. If he continues to drink, I cannot have him in my life. He is toxic waste. He brings death to my memories, my dreams, my passions, my spirit. I have fear about making such a bold proclamation, I admit. Because in all likeliness he will die soon. I don't think he will crawl out of the bottle and dry up. I think he will continue to drink and it will kill him. And when it does, how will I feel?
I'm afraid of the apathy I'm currently experiencing. I'm concerned with my lack of grace & mercy, my lack of sympathy. When he drinks himself to death, will I be able to live with these boundaries I've placed?
