"Be Humbled"

I'm not sure how to blog this.  I want to wax poetic and wane wistful, but this is too low down and gritty for that.

I don't want to go into "The Back Story" to set this up, but how do you measure the intensity of feeling, the bewilderment of actions without a bit of Back Story?  

I'll be brief.

In-Laws:  Decades of mistrust, countless family gatherings plagued with drama, years and years of exclusion, battle lines drawn, extended family "forced" to choose sides, GOSSIP, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.  

Recent years frought with more of the same after I finally took a stand, confronted Ring Leader and said, "NO MORE!"  My "NO MORE" didn't go over very well. It made matters worse.  Ring Leader couldn't acknowledge my truth.  No one had ever had the balls to say it.  No one had ever dreamed of standing up to Ring Leader in defense of themselves, their own.  No...wait!  I believe One Sister had the cajones.  She was banished into exile as well.  We "exiled" together! I love her. She is honest and brave.

Fast forward to recent weeks.  A niece is marrying in July.  Parties, showers, happy gatherings: culminating a wedding.  Sweet Bride has anxiety about family drama.  I am ashamed of my part in it, no matter the justification. Sweet Bride is delightful, darling and I love her.  She too is honest and brave.

Yesterday... Sweet Bride's Bridal Shower.  I prayed ALL DAY for a birth so I'd have an excuse NOT to attend.  I was NOT looking forward to getting kicked in the chops, AGAIN.  I was sick with a jumbled belly, anticipating yet again an afternoon of being ostracized, feeling like The Elephant In The Room, while the remainder of family members gave wide berth and averted their eyes.  "Please bring a baby, Please be a birth today, Please, Please, Please".

I was still pleading for a birth as I was driving to the party, when a "thought" came to mind.  I really believe that God plopped the idea into my grey matter.  I was overwhelmed by it's simplicity.

"Ask her to forgive you."

I was stunned that it could be that easy.  Then of course, I began to argue it.  "What?  But I'm not the one who did..."  "I wasn't the person who said..." "All I did was defend myself and speak the truth about..."  "She should be the one asking ME to forgive HER."    Blah, Blah, Blah.  

Then simultaneous plopped thoughts...  "Jesus...sinless...beaten...kicked...spit on...nails...cross...'Ask her to forgive you'.  Be Humbled...No strings attached... No conditions... No excuses... Just ask."

Oh Geez!  HE pulled the Christ Crucified Card, backed up with a Humble! How do you argue with that?  I have never successfully been able to trump that one.  I have learned when that card combo gets played, it's game over. I just do as I'm told!

What did I have to lose?  I couldn't be any more excluded, exiled or gossiped about.  The worse that could happen is she said no and things stayed the same.

I steeled my resolve.  I didn't hesitate upon my arrival.  I passed G-Boy off to his mamma, dropped my gift bags, marched into her house, grabbed her hands, looked her in the eye and opened my mouth.

"Will you please forgive me?"

WOW!  Those five words are seriously powerful.  They make arms reach, hugs happen and tears flow.

Whew!  I guess I wasn't meant to attend a birth yesterday.  I believe I was exactly where I was supposed to be and following instructions as they were given.  My husband was in awe of me.  Literally!  He told me that he was stunned at my bravery.  He said I was the "personification of Jesus' perfect love."  He called me "Spectacular Woman" because I am honest and brave.  I so much wanted to bask in his adoration and take credit, but I couldn't.  I felt shy and awkward.  It wasn't me who did this thing.  I couldn't have.  I wouldn't have!  

On a sidebar...A leopard is always a leopard.  You can dress one up in a frilly hat and teach it to drink tea, but it's still a spotted wild cat underneath.  I know this family I'm married into.  I've been here for 25 yrs, so I know the rules of engagement.  Though it feels like a healing is happening, and I pray that it is, I know that I could very easily be returned to exile once again.  Because Ring Leader was feeling especially loving and forgiving yesterday, doesn't necessarily mean she will feel the same tomorrow.  She is a fickle woman.  But, I've done as instructed and I'm glad for it.  I'm happy with an opportunity of healing that I hope continues.  But I know what I'm dealing with.  It makes me remember a saying of my dad's.  "If you play with a rattlesnake and get bit, it's not the snake's fault, Dummy!"

I've learned a valuable lesson in all this. Not everyone CAN own their shit.  Not everyone can "hear" the truth.  Not everyone can "see" the truth.  Sometimes you have to keep truth to yourself.  Some folks will never take responsibility for their behavior, since they think they've done no wrong.  I can only be responsible for ME and MY part.  And, I guess that's o.k., because does it really matter?

Besides, it could be exciting to have tea with a frilly hatted leopard.