Loss is loss

Prenatal appointments are delightful.  They are filled with expectation, excitement, hope.

But not for all mamas.

What do you tell a new mama who's been trying and trying to conceive that the 3 positive pregnancy tests she's taken are mistaken?  How do you explain that you cannot hear fetal heart tones?  How do you soften the blow of no baby showing up on the ultrasound?  How do you help her to understand terminology like blighted ovum?

And when the reality does sink in...when she finally gets it, that there is NO baby... then what do you do?

You sit beside her.  You wrap your arms around her and you cry WITH her.  Because loss is loss, no matter how "far along" you are.

My heart aches.

#7 KC

I don't think I'll ever forget Client #7 KC.  She was the same age as my youngest daughter; only months apart.  She and her husband were young, newlywed BYU students, living in an infanticimally small Student Housing apartment.  I've literally been in small hotel rooms that were bigger and more spacious than their apt.   

She was from Great Britian, he from UT.  I loved her accent.  I loved listening to her dry, sharp & funny wit. She was a hilarious girl, laughing every time I saw her.  She tended to have a potty mouth!  She tried so hard to live up to her husband's faith expectations (her faith as well, though she wasn't born and raised LDS) but when she'd come for prenatal appts without her man, you could get a glimpse of who she "used to be."  She always wore the BEST, and I mean the best jewelry.  Being a woman who loves the bling, I was always complimenting her "jewels" - Big gaudy earrings, flashy necklaces, rings on her fingers that were monstrous in size and just as gaudy.  She totally ROCKED them!!  

I took an instant liking to her!

They hadn't planned this baby.  They were too focused on their studies, their life dreams, their educational goals.  Life always seems to throw a curve ball when we have all our stuff planned out, doesn't it?   But, both these young people took it in stride and got down to the business of becoming parents.

On her last prenatal appt. she was complaining of what felt like period cramps.  They had been "pestering" her all night and even into the morning.  

The midwife and I nodded knowingly at one another.  MW checked her and discovered that our little primi-first-time mama was already dilated to 7 cm!!! 

At the teeny weeny apt. she labored.  It wasn't long after we arrived that the "period cramps" took a turn.  She had no doubt that these were contractions, not cramps.  She and her darling hubby labored in every closet-sized room of their apt.  She walked, she squatted, she belly danced, she swayed, she moaned, she labored.  The entire time, I held the space (ok, but with a few listening moments to get the baby's heart tones)  That's what I love to do.  Just guard the moment, hold the space and let the couple do their thing.  They needed very little "coaching."  

The part that sticks in my head and causes me to remember ALL the details of this birth is when she was actually pushing her baby out.  Her hubby was so into it, he wanted to catch the baby and was right there, front and center, shoulder to shoulder with MW. SHE was squatting ON the couch seat!  The couch was too softly stuffed for her to get leverage so she forcefully requested me to get behind her so she would push against me.  So there I was, squatting behind this young mother, my arms and knees wrapped around her birthing body, literally enveloping her with my own body.  After she would heave and push, she would rest her head back on my shoulder, her cheek to my cheek, her ear to my ear, the entire time my arms and thighs wrapping her in my own body.  We must have looked like a two headed, eight limbed birthing femme.  

It was in one of these rest periods, with her head on my shoulder, her breath in mine, that I realized what a tender and loving moment this was.  I suddenly felt guilt for being in that position.  This should be her husband holding her, loving her through this.  I looked up to him, made eye contact and quietly asked if he would like to switch places with me.  As he was negatively nodding his head, SHE fiercely grabbed my knees and hands and bellowed, "NO.  Stay where you are!"  

So, I sunk into it. I continued to squat behind this magnificent woman and felt every heave of her body as she proceeded to push her baby into the world.  While doing this, while holding her, I fell in love.  It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced.  I was so completely suffused with a Mother's Love for this young woman, that I began to cry.  In that moment, I couldn't have loved her any more than if I were holding my own daughter in the same way.  When she finally pushed her little boy out of her body and her darling husband did in fact catch him, I couldn't have felt more pride.  I literally kissed her cheeks and bawled!  It was beautiful and magical and even re-telling it makes me weepy.

I've never experienced that feeling of sudden and overwhelming Mother Love again.  I have lots of tender moments with clients but that particular rush was different.  

I wonder what that was.  

I wonder if I'll experience it again.

I hope.

Numbers

I have to keep track of all the births I attend, all the prenatal, postpartum, and newborn exams that I do. NARM (North American Registry of Midwives) wants to know that I've done what they require before they deem me a Real Life Midwife!   It's a pain in the butt, to keep track of each client, assigning them numbers  (HIPAA Laws) and referring to them in all the documentation as that particular number.  In fact, I've had to create a master list of names with their corresponding numbers (one alphabetical by name the other numerical) just so I can keep track of them. It's a daunting task, to say the least.  Though it is a chore, I don't truly mind it.  I realize how vitally important it is to be fully educated and know what I know what I know.  I won't be one tiny bit intimidated to hand in my sheets of numbers to the NARM folks next year.

I say all that to say this... while going through my list, I began reflecting on the names of each client and I'm surprised how many I remember so vividly.  I took several moments and purposefully remembered each birth scene. I can still clearly see the surroundings, where I was at the magical moments of pushing, crowning, delivery. I can distinctly remember several births that impacted my life profoundly.  Feelings I'd never experienced before, that suddenly were bubbling to the surface, causing wave after wave of emotions.

I think I have blog material for the rest of my life, if I chose to blog about each birth that impacted my life in some way.  Maybe I'll do that.

Things in my life...

I have been reflecting on a thought... 

There is a difference between the things that happen in my life and my life.  This is something that I/we tend to fuse together into one thing.  It's very hard to see the distinction.  It's a bit like trying to help a fish to see the water.  You know what I mean.   You've heard  people say it all the time; I've said it myself many, many times.  

"Well, that's just my life." 

"That's life."

"What a great (or shitty) life." 

"I hate my life"

"I love my life."  

But, this is always/only referring to happenings!  Rarely are we truly attributing our thoughts of life to actual life! It's always centered around the things in our lives.

Lately, my "life" has been in the shitter.  Things have been piling up, one on top of the other, worse and worse, more garbage, more bad news, etc.  (believe me, after all this, add the fact that my husband lost his job... yeah, life was feeling pretty awful!)

Then, an ah ha moment.  A bright, sparkling nugget dropped into my grey matter. 

I am reminded that the things that happen in my life are not my life.

I had forgotten that...

My life is a miracle

My life is a daily gift - freely given

My life is precious and valuable

My life is worthy to be loved (and LIVED!)

My life is beautifully and wonderfully made

My life is God-imaged

I will NOT be defined by circumstances, no matter how dismal those circumstances appear.  

"This" will not have the last word!

Reverse Thinking

We Are

We are getting over the shock.  

We are facing our new reality.  

We are healing and moving on.

FIRED

My husband lost his job on Wednesday.  After nine years of faithful, loyal service; never missing one day of work that wasn't a vacation day or holiday; receiving positive, glowing annual employee evaluations; yearly merit raises and various job promotions, the owner of the company walked onto the job site, told my husband that they don't see eye to eye and to get off his property.  Seriously!  That was it.  Nothing more or less.  Just that..."we don't see eye to eye, I don't want you running this farm any longer, please get off my property."

We are shell-shocked, to say the least.

Yesterday, we had hopes that we may have a case of Wrongful Termination.  We read the laws and statutes for UT and ID regarding this topic.  We spoke to an attorney this morning.  We have NO case.  ID and UT are both "At Will" states which plainly means that an employer can terminate an employee AT WILL.  The only way it would be illegal is if they violated their own company personnel policy or were discriminatory in any way.

For the entire time we worked for Young Living Essential Oils (myself for 8 yrs, Speed for 9) we were taught that we had to have a paper trail in order to legally terminate an employee.  Since Speed & I were both in management positions with this company, we were subject to various training seminars in this topic.  We really thought we'd have a case as Speed has NEVER received any disciplanary action or notice in his entire history of YL employment.  But, after reading and re-reading the employee policy, we are screwed.

I guess having full time attorneys on your payroll has paid off for Gary Young.  He can be immoral, violate all kinds of human rights issues and get away with it.  He doesn't have to have a valid reason to terminate an employee.  The wording that these lawyers have worked so hard to get into print of the policy handbook state that the employer can terminate with or without due cause.  No warnings are necessary.   I'm not sure why the company wasted their money or our time training us otherwise.

So... now we sit here with no action available to us, no recourse.  We have to essentially just bend over and take it.

A 48 yr old man shouldn't have to start all over again.

I've cried and cried and hollered and kicked and screamed and sat in deep contemplation and walked around in a daze.  My husband is in a deep funk.  I'm seriously worried about him.  He's never been fired before.

There is no law to protect the middle class white man.  That sounds racist but it is NOT. If you know me, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am NOT racist.  But the facts are that if you are extremely wealthy or destitute or of any number of ethnicities beside Caucasian, you have options.  Otherwise, you're just plain outta luck.

I feel hollow inside.  I don't know what we are going to do.