Processing

She'd been "doing stuff" for weeks.  Little twinges here and there; sometimes a good one that would make her stop and contemplate.  At each of our meetings she'd ask us to "check" though there were no changes.  She was ever hopeful that "today would be the day".

There were two dates.  The LMP date came and went.  That magic number 42...here today, gone tomorrow.  The second EDD, according to a 16 week ultrasound, assured us that she was only 40 weeks, so we agreed to wait.  NST on the baby showed lots of wonderful healthful activity.

Wait
Wait
Wait

41 weeks, my phone rings.  I'm just getting dinner on the stove; hardworking, hungry husband prowling the kitchen.  I reach into the refrigerator after taking the call, crack open an ice cold beer and hand it to my man. "Sorry Honey, but I gotta go.  These potatoes will be done in 10 minutes.  Do what you will with the steaks."  Kiss, Kiss...I'm out the door.

I get to the birth center and find Mama getting into the tub.  She's 7-8 cm. and things seem to be rockin' and rollin'.  Sr. midwife tells me baby's floating at -2 or -3, not engaging in the pelvis.  This has been our "problem" all along with this little one.  Mama is a large woman, pendulous belly, lots of room for baby to play; no need to put her head in the right place.

Later...9.5 cm (ish) with anterior lip.  Baby still floating, no engagement.  "Why don't you give a little push with this next wave? Lets see if we can get this little pumpkin to get her head down here."

Nothing...but FHT's are good.  Baby's tolerating labor really well.

This continues for about 1 1/2 hrs.  Baby's head still isn't where it should be.  Mom is getting tired.  We've tried our bag of tricks to get baby down.  FHT's are o.k. but not as great as they were.  O2 seems to be in order.  Baby likes the oxygen.  We put Mama on the toilet to push for a few contractions; "Let's see what that does."

In the meantime, the Sr. midwife is getting the chart together and copied as this mom is a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) and our state regs. will only allow her to push for two hours before we have to transport.  Baby is still at -2 station (which means she is still high in the uterus and hasn't fully engaged in the bony pelvis of the mother).  I stay in the bathroom with Mama, encouraging her.  She has another powerful contraction and pushes to the point that her water breaks.

Oh Good Lord!!!  Particulate Mec!!  Lots of it.  Shit!!! Literally.  I plaster a smile on my face, "Oh look.  You're water broke.  Let me just jump downstairs and get the midwife.  Good Job!"   I calmly walk out of the bathroom and as soon as I'm outta sight, I haul ass to find the midwife.  She's with the grandparents who I don't want to freak out so I say, "Hey (insert midwife's name) we've got SROM with particulate mec."   Normal grandparents wouldn't know that this is not a good sign but the midwife did.  She nonchalantly leaves the presence of the grandparents and together WE haul ass back to the birthing woman.

You know how toothpaste looks when it's squeezed from the tube?  Thick and pasty?  That's what was coming out of this woman's vagina.  Black/green, thick, pasty, meconium.  I've seen lots of meconium stained amniotic fluid, but I've never seen anything like this.

We try to get heart tones on the baby, but its not easy because of Mom's size.  I literally have to lift her pendulous belly, sink a shoulder into it to hold it up, so I can get the doppler underneath the pannus and find the baby.   Yeah, after we find the heart tones, we are off that toilet and  onto the bed in a hands and knees position.  That baby still hasn't descended into the pelvis, now we have a mess o' mec and heart tones are starting to dip.  Sr. Midwife calls the EMT's for an ambulance transport as there isn't anyway we can get this woman into her vehicle (or ours for that matter) in this hands and knee position.

Fast forward to KMC in the labor and delivery area.  Sr.midwife is getting her ass chewed by the doc on call.  He's livid with the situation and accusing Sr. Midwife of all kinds of atrocities.  I am in shock as I stand there listening.  Sr. Midwife keeps her cool, respects the doc while in "his house" and as soon as he's done with his tyraid, she calmly and collectively defends herself, her craft and her client.  I will give mention that by the time we'd left the hospital, the doc was not hostile toward us any longer, and was in fact, quite complimentary of our practice, our records and the stellar job we'd done with this client.

Regardless, Mama has another cesarean section and the baby is compromised.  Baby had the worst case of meconium aspiration that this particular doc had ever seen.  The baby was rushed to NICU then life-flighted to Portland.  As of yesterday, "they" don't know if she will survive.

It's all so surreal - the labor, the transport, the hospital scene, the bad news, the weeping parents and grandparents, the "looks" from the hospital staff, that feeling of unwarranted guilt.

Oh the questions...What did we miss?  How could a baby be so happy and healthy sounding in the womb to  come out like this?  The doc thinks she was swimming in the mec for quite awhile - she was stained green, stinky/smelly and there was poop under her fingernails.  How would her NST sound so great two days before she was born if she was living in pea soup?  I didn't think fetuses "breathed" in utero.  I know they make breathing motions, but actual breathing?

I've done some research since this train wreck, because I'm confused regarding this breathing thing.  I've found that mec aspiration once was assumed to only occur primarily at birth in conjunction with the onset of respiration.  Now it is felt to happen most often with intrauterine mec passage associated with periods of fetal asphyxia (lack of O2) sufficient to promote gasping.  So, I wonder and remember and think... did the baby's heart rate ever drop that low?  No!  It didn't.  Couldn't it be possible that when the c section incision was made and baby was pulled out, that she could have aspirated then?  But what about the pediatrician saying that the mec in the lungs had been there a long time?  I have so many questions.

I'm still processing.

I'm still praying.

Six Months

Pardon me while I purge... it's been six month (read that again!!  SIX MONTHS) since we placed our house in Santaquin UT for sale.  That's six months of continuing to pay the mortgage and utilities AS WELL AS pay rent and utilities in Idaho.  In that six months we have had NO offers on the house.  None!  There have been a few looky-loo's but no serious buyers.  Our realtor is working like a fiend, trying all kinds of tricks to sell it.  And, she PRAYS!  But still, here we sit.  

It's now causing me actual anxiety, the real kind.  The kind that wakes you up in the night, soaked in sweat, with heart palpitations and your mind going completely bonkers with absolutely NO way to go back to sleep. I've never experienced this kind of worry before.  It permeates everything.   The people we are renting this beautiful home from in Idaho (the one we would like to buy) are coming back from Mexico in May.  If the UT house hasn't sold, we are screwed!!! We'll have to find another place to rent.  We've spent our savings, all of my 401K plus all the unemployment benefits I received just paying mortgage and rent.  In a few weeks there will be no more unemployment benefits and I'm not earning income.  The apprenticeship I'm participating in is free education which is such a blessing, but there is no time for an actual job to earn $$$.  I likely will not be earning an income for about a year, at which time I will be a "real" midwife.  

What confuses me to no end (and causes a serious faith crisis in my spirit) is that it appeared that we were doing what God wanted us to do, by moving up here.  We prayed and prayed and prayed before relocating.  We sought council from our church leaders and close friends.  Doors opened up before us like magic.  Literally!!  When we looked at all the opportunities that were opened up for us, we really felt like we were getting a clear sign from God that this was "a go".  The only snafu was the house.  But, we stepped out in faith, trusting God and believing that He would take care of it.  Isn't that what faith is... stepping out? trusting?  I told everyone around me that I knew God could find a buyer for our house.  I believed it!  

Now, I'm not so sure.  Now, I sit in my own anxiety-stew and gnosh on worry.  I can't even pray about it anymore.  It makes my heart sick.  How many times can you ask God, plead with God over something like this? It doesn't even seem right, especially in light of all the garbage going on in our world - soldiers still coming home from the Middle East in boxes, families losing their homes to foreclosure, loved ones dying, unemployment rates that are astronomical and truly no end in sight, and on and on and on.  It seems like things are in a downward spiral and I just can't seem to justify "bugging" God about selling my house.  Does He really care about that?  Who really cares if one more family (albeit only 2 people) loses their home to foreclosure or goes bankrupt and broke?

I keep hoping that God will "pull a rabbit outta his hat" and we'll get good news from the realtor!  I have to believe that!!  If not, I think this worry will consume me.

There are wonderful things going on though!  Truly wonderful.   

• I get to see my daughters and G-babies whenever I want.  I don't have to scrounge up airfare and time off from work anymore, just to get a G-baby snugglefest. 
• I am blessed to have become re-aquainted with my sisters.  We were really the best of friends before we moved to UT and now I have the opportunity to rekindle that relationship.  I'm VERY thankful for that.  
• I am getting the opportunity to re-aquaint myself with old friends.  Again, super happy about that.  
• I am in an spectacular apprenticeship program with two midwives AND they've asked me to stay on board with them, even after I get my license to practice!!  That is huge, as well as a source of instant income for me next year.   
• Even if we don't get to stay in this lovely home, it's been a fun-filled winter here!
• I'm almost finished with school!  Hallelujah!!!

I'm trying to keep my faith

Just Truth & Just Be

This morning I've been inspired.  Inspired by two dear Sister Friends who live far, far away but are always close in my heart and thoughts.

J., my Canadian friend, who lives on the other side of the continent, raising her chickens and her children. A fellow MCU student who I had the sweet opportunity to attend a birth or two with and share a "connect."  She blogged about just enjoying the journey instead of stressing and fretting about getting to the finish line.  Sweet words to my heart.  Wise counsel; sorely needed.

Today I will not stress or fret or fuss over The Deadline that looms over me.  Today I will not let my worry about being good enough, or able to DO THIS, rob me of the joy of learning, the joy of being HERE, on this journey.  As I told my dear Sister Friend - today I will drink my warm yummy coffee and enjoy being where I am in this journey.  Today I will read and be amazed at all the beautiful and wonderous things a woman can do while growing, birthing, and nourishing a baby.  Today I will absorb and reflect and be awed.  And that is absolutely perfect for today.

C., delightful hippy chic, my mentor, instructor, wise woman and sage.  She dares me to be bold and post the truth!  Imagine that.  No fluff, no dolling things up.  Just raw, awesome truth.  Whew!  Not easy. Introspective.

Today, this morning, this moment, what is my truth?

Truth is that I need a nap!  I'm sleep deprived because I worry too much.  Getting passed it is not easy. The things going down in my life at the moment;  finances, employment, education, health, etc... It's a heavy load.  Sleep deprivation from replaying over and over in my mind a conversation I took part in yesterday.   Why didn't I defend myself?  Why did I allow someone to lay an UN-truth on me?

Truth is, I'm terribly insecure.  You'd never know this because I fake it well.  Really well. On the outside.
But on the inside, when I'm allowed space and solitude...where our truth really lives...Why do I still gnaw on an old injustice? Why do I care what someone else thinks of me when they don't know my truth?

Two inspirations.  Today... I will not look at past hurts or injustices.  Today, I will not look ahead at the quickly approaching, glaring DEADLINE.  Today I will JUST BE and today I will practice JUST TRUTH.

Tracy Chapman - You're The One