Chagrin

After my temper tantrum last week, I"m left to ponder...what good did that do me?  Other than I bawled my eyes out and you always feel better after that; but what else?

I feel a bit foolish, really.  Especially after my poor baby girl was in a rollover accident and had to have 9 staples (yes, you read that right, STAPLES) punched into her scalp on Saturday evening.  As soon as we'd heard about this, I said to my husband, "This does nothing for my faith lacking hypothesis!!"  This followed by,  "What the hell!?!?  Are you kidding me?!?!?!"  (All while shaking my fist at the sky!!)

Because I'm teachable and there is serious wisdom coursing through the veins of my loved ones, and therefore must be trickling through my own, I realize that there IS something to all of this.  It's a miracle that Baby Girl wasn't hurt WORSE.  It's a miracle that Baby Girl's hubby and G-Baby were unscathed.  It is a miracle that the Good Samaritan who happened by, happened by.  It's a miracle that the funds for another vehicle appeared.

I didn't really think that there wasn't something to all this,OK.  Let's get that straight.  I was just pissed off that things have been going so crappy lately.  Now I have to admit that I'm being pretty selfish.  What makes me think I need things to go smoothly?  Why do I think that I'm entitled to anything?!?  It just sucks, that's all.

A change of attitude is in order, I believe.

Kickin' & Screamin'...

Literally!  I don't do it often, but from time to time I have a complete and utter meltdown that culminates into a screaming and kicking fit.  Just like a two year old throwing a tantrum.  Just like a hormonal, irrational teenager who can't understand why life is so unfair.  And to be perfectly honest about it, that's is pretty much how I feel.  "THIS IS SOOOO FREAKING UNFAIR!!!" Had I blogged yesterday, I would have forgone the euphemism and gone directly to the F-bomb!

I try not to ask for favors, or bug too much about my needs, wants, etc.  But there are times when you really need a freakin' break, so you call in your chits.  Having done that, you sorta expect a result or two, right?  When that doesn't appear to happen, I have to ask, "Hello, You out there?  Do you see what is happening?  Could use a little help here!!"   Still nothing.  Just an utter silence that seems to have no end.  I strain my ears to hear and my eyes to see, but there is nothing there.

After several months of NOTHING, no response, no signs and wonders, no verbal discourse, no still quiet voice, no gentle nudging, zilch, zip, nada, I lost my ever-loving mind.  I have screamed things that cannot be taken back, and I'm not sure I would take them back if I could anyway!  What I bellowed was TRUTH from where I stand.  If I'm wrong, would someone PLEASE  hurry the HELL up and enlighten me?  I'll gladly drop to my knees and beg forgiveness, "You were right, I was wrong", grovel in supplication and mean every word of it.  But nope, not even that.  Just that stony, dense silence.

I'm left to aimlessly wander, muttering to myself, floundering about like a bobbing cork in the ocean, feeling the utter fool, quickly losing faith.

What the hell am I doing?  Am I doing anything at all?

Contemplation

What I'll be pondering at length today.  MUCH easier said than done.

God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does.  Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting Him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

The one who trusts God to do the putting everything right without insisting on having a say in it is one fortunate man.

Excerpts from Paul's letter to the Romans

Imminent

It was a 47 mile drive on some pretty icy roads; late at night, of course.  Rare is the baby that decides to make his debut appearance in the middle of the day.

I had fallen asleep on the couch watching some mindless movie on TV when my phone rang.  "Wanna have a baby?" said the voice on the other end.  Because I'm a smart ass, even when half asleep, I replied, "Um, not particularly no, but I'd love to help you deliver one".

So, I slapped myself a couple of times, literally, to wake up, brewed a pot of coffee and got my birth gear together.  My darling hubby started the car for me since She's a cold blooded beast that needs some love and attention on cold winter nights.  Once the coffee was done, I filled my trusty "to go mug", smooched The Man, patted the dogs on their furry heads and out into the frozen night I went.

When you live where I do and you're driving in the dead of night, you keep your eyeballs peeled for game.  The last thing I need on the way to a birth is to hit a moose or an elk or a deer or a coyote or a skunk or what have you.  So it's a slow drive down the mountain, watching for icy patches and roaming wildlife.

I didn't specifically know where I was going either.  Thank You Jesus! for the GPS feature on my iPhone!!  I have all the home birth clients in my contact list so when a mom decides its time to have a wee one, I tap the appropriate icons on my phone screen and WALLA, Bob's your uncle, there's a map showing me where to go.  Whew!!

When I finally arrived at my destination, I lumbered outta the car, and quietly walked to the front door of a modest double wide home.  There's a doggy bed on the porch along with various sleds, shovels and other winter paraphernalia.  Here's where I choke.  What to do... knock politely and await admittance or just quietly open the door and walk in?  Usually no one answers the danged  door anyway, because they're busy having a baby, but it sure feels odd to open the front door to a home you've never been to before.  I always have a moment of panic, wondering if I'm at the right house.  I guess if I ever open that door and find myself staring down the barrel of a shotgun, I'll know I've made an error!  That and likely pee my pants.

So, in I go, drop my bags, peel off my coat, and remove my shoes.  I ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS take my shoes off at a home birth.  I have a little prayer I say on the way to a birth, and part of it is to remind me to remove my "sandals since I am treading on holy ground."  I remind myself while on the way to a birth of the story of Moses and the Burning Bush.  God told Moses to remove his sandals because he was on holy ground.  I truly believe that a birth scene is holy.  So, by removing my "sandals" literally, I remind myself  to leave my "stuff" at the door.  ME doesn't need to be there.  ME and MY stuff should remain at the door, with the pile of coats, boots, hats, etc.  So whatever ME/MY is...worry over finances, a recent argument with someone, physical feelings of exhaustion or hunger, etc. gets put aside for whatever amount of time I'm on Holy Ground!!  It takes seconds because I'm already prepared before I arrive at the birth scene.  I've prayed, checked in and am on my game!!

When I walked into the birth room (in this case, as is usually the case, the master bedroom) I can see that birth is imminent!!  WOW!!  I barely made it in time.  Inga, the other midwife is already there and I can tell from looking at the scene that we are going to be welcoming a baby soon.  So, (lather, rinse, repeat) I scrub up and get ready to welcome another human being to the planet.

This mama was like Wonder Woman.  She never made a sound during contractions, just got really focused and introspective.  She was lying on her bed, underneath an old tattered quilt that her grandmother had made years and years ago.  She's birthed all her children under that quilt.  I couldn't imagine how she could stand it, as most laboring women have an elevated body temperature and are usually stripped naked to find some relief.  But not this gal.  She stayed under that old quilt and would clench the edge tightly during each contraction.  Inga and I just perched on the end of the bed and observed.

It wasn't long before Mama said she felt like she needed to poop.  Hurray!!  Magic words!!   Most women will feel like they have to poop when in fact it's the baby's head descending and pressing on nerves that stimulate the pushing reflex.  It totally feels like pooping... a bowling ball!!!

Mama pushed for 15 minutes and birthed a beautiful baby boy right in the same bed she had made him in!!!  She reached down between her legs and grabbed her baby as soon as his shoulders were birthed, lifting him to her breast.  Her big tough-guy husband began weeping and gushing like a school-girl!   It was priceless!!!

After the usual "after birth routine" which involves a bunch of important stuff like bleeding, placenta, latching, cleaning, etc. we made our exit.  As we quietly took our leave,  four older siblings were climbing onto the bed with their Daddy and Mama to take turns holding their new baby brother.  What an absolute darling family!!

Memorial

Yesterday Speed & I attended the memorial service of a spectacular man, husband, father, friend, and follower of Jesus.  It was likely the best memorial service I've ever attended, if that can be said of such a sad occasion.

Ed had been sick for a long time, fighting cancer.  When his life ended, his family was with him, witnessing his transition from this life unto the next.  Their testimony of his passing was incredible and faith inspiring.

His family wore white to the memorial service!  I noticed that right off the bat and I was awestruck by their purposeful intent to celebrate Ed's passing.  This family knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that their father is cured of cancer and now hanging out with Jesus. Though they are sad and did not deny their feelings of utter loss, they are in celebration!

Each of his children (he has 4) and their spouses spoke with heartfelt sentiment about their father and what an impact he'd made on their lives as well as many many others.  It left Speed & I to ponder on our way home, "Whose life are we impacting?"  "Are we making a difference?"  "Are we living our lives the way that Jesus would have us live it?" "Will our children and grandchildren say we passed the torch, the mantel, the legacy of Christ onto them?"

Adam Sandler original Chanukah (Hanukkah) Song

Michael Franti & Spearhead - The Sound Of Sunshine

The Overnight Adventure of May Lou and Grammy Baby

Mahala Louise, affectionately known as May or MayMay or May Lou, and her faithful friend Grammy Baby, had an overnight adventure.  They went to Gramps & Grammy's house in The Woods.  There was snow, and good food and new toys to play with and dogs!

 The first part of the adventure, there was homemade mac and cheese that Grammy made with REAL cheese and real milk and real whole wheat noodles; not that boxed stuff!!!
                                                                                                                                                                      




It was soooo good that May Lou had TWO bowls!  The first bowl she ate at the table like a big girl, the second one while sitting on the couch with Gramps, watching Wallace & Grommit.










After dinner, May took an inquisitive look around Gramps & Grammy's big house.  There were many things to look at and so many things she was not supposed to touch.  But, when no one was looking May touched!





MayMay and Grammy Baby liked chillaxin' on the couch with Gramps.  They had finished up the mac-a-noodles; then with full bellies they watched the remainder of Wallace & Grommit. It was a good time.

May and  Grammy Baby are best friends.  Grammy Baby goes everywhere with May, especially on Overnight Adventures.

Trying out her new slippers.  

MayMay got new slippers while on her Overnight Adventure to Gramps and Grammy's House in the Woods.  They are made from lamb's wool and are lined with fleece to keep little piggies warm.

Of all the toys at Gramps & Grammy's house, MayLou liked the wooden blocks best.

During her Overnight Adventure, Mahala made a startling discovery.  There was another little girl who looked just like her in Grammy's coffee table!!






After careful investigation, she realized it was her own reflection in the mirror-topped table.  This made her smile and giggle!












Later that day, Mahala and Grammy Baby took a nap in Grammy's beautiful princess bedroom.  Mahala and Grammy Baby were very tired and slept for a long time.  When they woke up, they were happy to be at Gramps & Grammy's House in the Woods and couldn't wait to go back to playing with those wooden blocks.

Gramps & Grammy's House in The Woods has a "circle" in it.  It goes through the living room, into the office, down the hallway and back into the living room.  Mahala ran round and round the circle, playing peek-a-boo with Gramps and Grammy, hollering like a mad woman the entire time.  She had great fun, but worked up a sweat and a powerful thirst.   Whew!!  That was a lot of running for chubby little legs.

After a refreshment, May decided it was time to get dressed.  So... she put her pink tshirt back on.  Well, sorta.

Then more Peek-A-Boo with Gramps.  This time using a cloth napkin.

 

Silly Gramps!  He's so much fun to play with!!












All good and fun days must come to an end.  Missy MayMay had played hard and it was time for bed.  So... faced washed, jammies on, chug of milk and she was off to go night-night.  But first, Gramps must give Grammy Baby a goodnight kiss.

The next morning, May and Grammy Baby woke up well rested and refreshed.  Grammy made scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast and then it was time to go home.  The Overnight Adventure of May Lou and Grammy Baby was a success!!

Muttlettes

My two dogs... they can be soooo frustrating at times that I've threatened to take them to the pound!!  Seriously, when your stupid dog goes bouncing across the meadow chasing tweety birds and conveniently forgets basic commands, like "Bailey, come here!", you get a little peeved.  Especially when said meadow romp ends up with lost dogs and me hiking my fat ass through the woods looking for them.

We try to be good doggy parents.  We try to take them for walks often; we give them snackies and treats; we feed them premium food, we love them, we train/discipline them.  I try to be all Cesar Milan on their hairy butts!!   But... there are days...  Like when Freda recently decides she has never been housebroken in her life and pees in the house, numerous times, in multiple places!! (insert terribly offensive language here!!!)  That literally sends me through the roof!!  I get sooo mad!!!

Then we have days like today.  The girls are so good, such obedient little puppies. No runaways, no messes in the house, lots of laying by the fire, snoozing.  Then an afternoon 4 mile walk with Mom and upon return - a treat - a biscuit.  Freda gobbles her biscuit in seconds while Bailey chooses to savor hers.  She carries it around in her mouth like a cigar!!  It's so stinking funny.

She even torments Freda with it; walking past her really slow, making certain the biscuit is right in front of Freda's nose.  When Freda tries to take a bite, Bailey wrinkles up her lip and grumbles.  It's ridiculously funny.


After Bailey is finished tormenting her poor Old Freda, she then shares her treat.


Crazy Muttlettes!!  It's disgusting how much I love them.

Algebra

I'm taking a math class this semester.  Currently, I'm working on the algebra section.

 I HATE IT!!  It makes me feel stupid.

 It makes me want to shove a pencil up my nose.

Cooper

So Cooper and Kristen came to visit over the weekend.  It was such a wonderful visit!  Cooper crawled around the house, bonked his head numerous times, patted and french kissed the dogs, and I'm certain ate questionable items that the broom missed.  Kristen was able to kick back, read a book, attempt to make butter, drink copious amounts of fresh ground hot coffee and have meals prepared for her.  It was delightful and I hated to see them go.

You own my heart Little Man!  I love you beyond all the stars, past the ends of the universe!  You're big blue eyes melt my mind and all I can do is look at you and grin.  When you snuggle your fuzzy head into my neck, I want to wrap my arms around you and never, never let you go.

I love your chubbiness and the softness of your cheeks.  I love the sound of your soft baby snores as you sleep.

 




I love your sweet baby breath on my face when you grab and tug at my necklace or earrings.  I love to listen to you speak "bah, bah, bah, bah, bah" over and over again.  You have important things to say, don't you?












I don't want you to get big, but I can't wait to know you when you are.  I'm so happy and blessed that we are together as much as we are.  I'm always going to be nuts about you, Coop!  You're my favorite little boy on the planet!!!

The Cure

I woke up in the wee morning hours with that nagging tickle in my throat.  The one that tells you, "Uh Oh... I think I'm coming down with something!"  Since I have Coop coming tomorrow to see me, I've got to nip this crud in the bud, ASAP!!  Hence, The Cure.   Ugh.  It is NOT pleasant.

First you take The Bomb which is a capsule of several essential oils that are known to kick a virus' ass.  It's disgusting!  In fact, when I prepared the first capsule, my throat wasn't prepared for it.  I mistakenly popped it in my mouth and did the most stupid thing I can think of.  I went to wash it down with hot tea!  Duh!!!  Hot anything will melt those capsules likety-split.  So, there I am in the bathroom with the capsule lodged in my throat, hot tea quickly dissolving it, OMG!! I can taste those oils (which is why I put them in a capsule in the first place, because I can't stand the taste) and I'm willing myself to stay calm, swallow, swallow...  NOPE!  Not working.  I actually puked in my bathroom sink and then quickly made it to the toilet to up-chuck again.  To add insult to injury, those hot oils, thyme, oregano, frankincense and lemon are now coming out my nose!!  I honestly don't believe my nose has ever burned like that before. EVER!!  I don't think my eyes have watered like that either.  It was not a pretty sight.

After I'd regained my composure and reassured my hound dogs that I was not going to lie down on the bathroom floor and die, I decided on another cup of tea before I went on to the next phase.

Tea consumed.  Now it's time for the garlic.  So far I have noshed 4 cloves of garlic, RAW!  Again, not pleasant, but the antiviral/bacterial properties in raw garlic amazing.

 After that, another cup of tea and another attempt at The Bomb.

Success!!

I have absolutely NO time to be sick.  Likely to get a call for a birth this evening.  Little Mamma is "doing stuff".  Plus I do NOT want to get Cooper sick.  So, a little discomfort now and I'll have this cold licked by morning!! 

Hallelujah.

Company's coming!!

Well, not really company.  My daughter Kristen and her darling, perfectly wonderful, handsome son Cooper are coming to stay the weekend with us.  So... that means do a little extra gussy-ing up around the house; clean sheets on the guest bed, plenty of yummies in the cupboards etc.  You know the drill.

Cooper gets his pick of yummy fruits while he's here.  Shall Grammy make some applesauce? How 'bout a pear wedge to gnaw on.  That will feel good on those new teeth he's working through.  Mashed banana, anyone?




















Chonchita was NOT happy that I woke her up so I could get those clean sheets on the guest bed.  I'm certain SHE doesn't think this is a guest bed.  "Move it on over, Cat. Coop needs this room."

The weather is perfect for fall house guests too.  Chilly, drizzly, damp.  The perfect feel for a fire in the wood stove.  If you don't have wood heat, you don't know just how wonderfully warm it can be.  Sometimes too warm.  We run around the house dressed for summer because it's so warm in here.  But I like it!!

Cooper, are you here yet?

Eva Cassidy - Ain't no sunshine...

This pretty much sums it up today.

 Come on home, Big Daddy!! I'm missing you.

Gratitude

Today was one of those days that makes me thankful to be alive.  The skies were clear and beautifully blue, the air crisp and clean.  Then, as a little slice of delicious life pie, I attended a darling home birth this afternoon.





This bottle of champagne was my thank you gift from the proud papa.




I love home births.  I am always amazed and awed at women who get all primal in their own living space and birth their babies.  This particular mama was walking around stark naked, leaning over furniture, her partner, her mother, myself, swaying her hips to some deep seeded rhythm-memory that reminds us of how to wiggle a baby out.  It's spectacular to observe.

I love to have my hands on a birthing woman.  I feel so tender toward her.  I stroke her head, smooth back her dampened hair, wipe the sweat beads off her upper lip and forehead, massage her, support her weight, and always, always speak words of love and encouragement.  Time stands still in those moments.  It's all about HER, focusing on her needs and easing her travail.

I love that moment when the baby has arrived and she is placed in her mother's arms, all slippery, gooey, and fresh.  I adore watching parents fall ridiculously in love in less than a split second.  I love watching big daddies bawl their eyes out when they see their new one.  It truly is the most raw and real moment in our lives.  I get to witness it often.  I am blessed!


When I'm home after a birth, when the adrenaline is gone and I'm spent, I treat myself to a glass of wine.  Tonight's flavor is a lovely Pinot Noir I picked up at the grocer - Red Bicyclette.


 I sit on my couch, roast my tootsies by the wood stove and thank God that I am a midwife.