North American Registry of Midwives

NARM...it's what I've been working towards, studying for and sweating about for the last 5 yrs.  Thursday I have the privilege to sit for this exam.  Eight hours of testing.  I pray I pass!  Say a prayer for me, would you?

Deep Breathes

Last night my sister called me with an update on my dad and his health.  The news was not good.  Dad's got lung cancer and the docs have sentenced him to 10 months.  That's all!  TEN MONTHS.  What do you do with that kind of information?  This is surreal.  I'm having a hard time grasping this, getting my head wrapped around what this means.

I just keep taking deep breathes and try to focus.

Six weeks

It seems like forever since I've posted anything on this blog.  I've just been so damn busy.  I added up all my births the other day.  In the last month I've attended 19!!  Nuts, right?  I love it, though.  Truly love it!!

In that mix of gooey babies, placentas, and rivers of amniotic fluid, I've finished up another class (I only have 2.5 left) tried to squeeze in a visit or two with my man, went to a family reunion, and found out my dad has been diagnosed with throat cancer.

My head is spinning and my heart is reeling.  EVERYTHING is surreal these days.  I'm so homesick I think I'm having physical manifestations of that, in the form of anxiety and depression.  Add Dad's shit to the mix and I can hardly breathe at times.  All I want is to be there with him, helping with his MD appts, his treatments, etc.  I feel awful that my sisters are bearing the load alone, without me.  I feel useless.

The insomnia is back. I'm waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, worrying that I'll flunk the NARM.  My brain won't shut off long enough for me to sleep.  I just gnaw away at it, worrying myself to death.  If I weren't on call all the time, I'd take a pill and get some sleep.

Plus, I'm having all kinds of foolish thoughts about my husband being home alone for 6 months and the kind of trouble that can bring (it doesn't help that his stupid brother - who has been married the same amount of years as we have - just got caught having a fuck-fest with someone other than his wife!!)  I have to remind myself on a daily basis that Speed isn't his brother (Thank you, Jesus!) and is a man tightly woven with moral fiber.   (Seems funny that I'd use the F-bomb and Jesus in the same paragraph.  Oh well, HE gets me!)

I can't even begin to go into the living arrangements I'm in.  I keep my mouth shut, my ass in my room and try, try, try to make as little a footprint in their lives as possible.  I am perfecting the art of being invisible.

If it weren't for my love of the women I'm working with, the midwives who are teaching me and investing in my future, I'd have bailed a long time ago.  They have become my surrogate family.  I love them!  They keep me sane.  I wouldn't dream of quitting them.  I owe them so much.

So...I only have 6 weeks left.  Six weeks to hone more midwifery skills & finish the didactic portion of my education.  Only six weeks of building lasting friendships/sisterhoods with these spectacular midwives, and only 6 more weeks of being shut up in a 8x10 room.  I can do this!!  I will do this.

MotherLove

Every birth I attend is special.  Every birth I witness makes me thankful for this calling.  And then there are the births that I attend that cause my heart to swell and fill and come close to exploding with MotherLove. (? - I can't think of any other word for it.)

This is where I wish I were a literary genius, so that I could put into words what happens in my soul at these births, these gifts.

It's only happened a handful of times.  Each time it has happened I am first in awe that it's happened to me.  Then I am humbled and grateful.  AND... astonished!

Three nights ago it happened.  I was helping a laboring mother who had just arrived, walk down the hallway to get to the birth suite we had prepared for her.  She had a grip on my arm like a vice!  She kept saying, "We need to hurry.  Hurry please, we need to hurry."  So, we're hustling down the hallway, walking with great purpose, trying to get her to the bed before the next contraction comes.

We didn't make it.

Her waters broke in the hallway.  As soon as she felt the gush of fluids and heard the audible POP, she lost her mind!  She started screaming.  I'm not talking about hollering or making loud birth sounds.  I'm talking, SCREAMING HER HEAD OFF!!!!!!  In between the screaming she would holler, "THE HEAD! THE HEAD IS OUT!!!!!" Then back to more screaming.

The midwife got this mama's pants down and sure enough there was a baby head.

I was so tuned in to this mama that I can't tell you much of what happened in terms of the birth after that.  She had such a tight grip on my arm that I'm still sporting the bruise. She was screaming in my ear and absolutely not hearing the midwife tell her to "Calm down, everything is o.k."

Through the screaming we somehow managed to get her to the floor, lying down on haphazardly placed chux pads.  I go down to the floor with her.  I have no choice as she's still got a death grip on my arms.  She's still screaming.

Somehow, I was able to place my hands on either side of her face and look her in the eye, my face only inches from hers.  I said, "Sweetheart, listen to me. You're alright.  We've got you.  You are safe. Your baby is safe."  I don't know why my words worked, but I think it had to do with eye contact.

She stopped screaming and looked back into my eyes and never, ever broke contact.  I feel she was staring into my soul.  Her gaze was so intent.  So intense.  It's like we had known each other for a millennium.  We were timeless.  She "knew" me and I her.  In fact, I had a brief, fearful thought that she could look so far into my soul that she would see my own fears, my sin, my regrets.

And that is when it happened...my heart nearly swooned and burst, full of MotherLove for this young mama.  It was a fleeting moment, but I knew it for what it was.  I'm not exactly sure what it is but I recognize it from past occurrences.  It's a moment of recognition when I know that I love this girl more than I love anyone in that moment.  I can't explain it properly and it's frustrating me.  How could I love someone more than I love my own children or my husband?  But, I think maybe it's God.  I think it's Him giving me a dose of His love for another.  I'm not sure what it is, but its real and it's ethereal and I think its important.

Seattle

I'm currently in Seattle, finishing up my education, my last preceptorship, more training, honing skills, getting ready to make The Leap.

There are many reasons to be thankful for this transition.  I'm learning more which is always good.  Always important.  BUT I have to say that more importantly right now, for me, just for me, is a time of healing and re-realization that I AM CALLED TO THIS!!  This isn't a job for me, it's a calling.  I'm gently being reminded that I  DO have the skills and intuitive nature necessary to make this happen.  I'm being reintroduced to the groovy goodness of Girl Power!!  

I am happy here.

Idaho Approves Midwife Medicaid Bill

This was during my preceptorship in Hayden, ID.
More choices for more women. That's what it's all about!!

Penny Simkin: Using Doulas for Birth Care - Midwifery Today Birth Essent...

What a spectacular woman!

Going Green

To further my attempt to "Go Green", I have purchased these incredible little "paperless" paper towels.  I LOVE THEM!!!  I love them so much that I have them in my kitchen, in my guest bathroom and give then away as gifts!!  Go to www.etsy.com/shop/RainyCityReusables to buy yours.

The artist will custom craft to your specific design tastes.  Also, check out her reusable sandwich baggies (I have two sets that I ADORE!) and wetbags (I use mine in my luggage for dirty clothes.  No more need to scavenge a WalMart bag for my undies).  These items are made here in the Good Ole' USA, constructed of quality materials and sewn in her own home!!  Can't get much better than that.

Go ahead, give them a try!  I dare you!!

OBGYN v. Midwife [The Hilariously True Appointment Comparison]

I loved this example of the differences between OBGYN's and Idaho Midwives!!

Things That an Idaho Midwife Does

An Idaho midwife is a health care professional whose main role is to offer care throughout the childbearing process, with an emphasis on the health and well-being of mother, child, and family. This includes the stages from early pregnancy all the way through assisting with the first several weeks of postpartum care and initial breastfeeding. Some practitioners may also offer general reproductive care to women, such as annual gynecological exams and assistance with family planning, although this is not the primary aspect of a midwife. Idaho Midwives may consult with other health care providers such as an OB, or have a practice agreement to provide referrals in case of complications beyond their scope. They keep medical records throughout the pregnancy and delivery, and follow state laws for providing medical care.

Throughout the pregnancy, a midwife assists in determining a woman's individual health needs, both mental, physical and spiritual. This can include suggestions related to diet, supplements, and exercise, as well as lifestyle changes and emotional support.

Idaho Midwives also encourage women to follow their own instincts and educate themselves on options for their pregnancy and delivery. Midwifery supports a greater focus on the psychological aspects of the pregnancy and birthing process, considering mental wellness a significant factor in a successful pregnancy as well as physical wellness.

An Idaho midwife's training emphasizes the natural, biological process of birth as a normal event, and not as one of crisis management. Most midwives consider their place to be one of support rather than that of ringleader, letting the natural birthing process progress while using procedures that are minimally invasive. These methods can include encouraging the laboring mother to walk, adjust sitting positions, practice certain breathing exercises, and even eat and drink through her labor as needed.

Idaho midwives are trained to recognize any signs that labor or pregnancy are not going as they should, and also have training in newborn life support procedures, although they cannot perform a c-section. Most midwives will have a contingency plan that should be discussed well before term if this is a concern. If the labor does result in a hospital transport, an Idaho midwife will continue to offer support throughout the process.
                                                                              Article written by Peter David Wendt

Gramma

We had the memorial service for my grandmother last week.  It was all that a memorial service should be. It was wonderfully beautiful.  It was real.

I know I surprised Gramma (and myself actually) when I boldly stood before a room filled with people, wearing those "perfectly Gramma red stilletos" and gave a eulogy of her BIG life.  The words flowed...the laughter erupted...the tears fell...I was proud of Gramma and her life.  I was proud of myself for telling it.

Afterwards, my mother grabbed me, kissed me, thanked me.  My father looked at me like he didn't know who I was, he was so surprised.  My sisters were astounded, thanking me for honoring our grandmother with my words.  I don't think anyone in my family knew I had it in me.  (I'm more like Gramma than they know...full of all kinds of surprises)

I just wanted people to know a bit about her, like I knew her. I wanted someone who knew her, who loved her unconditionally to be the one who spoke of her great life.  I wanted them to love her like I loved her, to see her sense of humor, her tenacity, her determination.  She was truly a remarkable woman and I wanted HER to know that I thought that of her.  I wanted everyone there to know it too.

I surpassed my own expectations!